I started up a blog where my identity is public and it remains very empty as I only want to write ‘happy thoughts’ or dispassionate ones there, where people who know me, or who know of me will read it, and this rather takes away the point of writing a personal blog when so many of my thoughts are anything but happy.
It’s that time of year, post Christmas and pre New Year when one ponders the point of it all. I rarely struggle emotionally with getting up and facing the world, but when it comes to going to sleep then it’s a different matter. Children are asleep, the house is filled with peace and quiet, and my brain refuses to shut down. Thinking instead of what has been, what could have been, and where one is going with life.
It has taken me many years to accept that I have the right to be upset and affected by my childhood. After all, I wasn’t beaten or sexually abused, didn’t have an alcoholic or criminal parent, nor was one a drug addict. We weren’t poor although my parents were certainly tight, and still are. But the love and understanding did not flow and that, coupled with bad choices in partners and a lack of professional success has resulted in a life that seems, other than my children, to have been a complete waste of time. I find it difficult to look forward to the future as I see no reason for it being any better than the past.
These are the thoughts that stop me from sleeping at night and that I need to exorcise. These are the thoughts I hope to capture here on screen.