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2son has finally got his appointment for ASD assessment, at 9.30am on a day I can’t do due to a hospital visit booked six months ago. The next appointment isn’t until the Easter holidays but at least it’s in the afternoon so I’ll hopefully have less of a problem getting there although I still wonder how I’m going to do that.

It’s the week after half term and I’ve woken up grumpy yesterday and tearful today. 2son greeted me cheerfully as I got out of bed; he ate his breakfast and went to bed himself as he was up overnight.

I don’t know what to do. CAMHS are saying wait until the assessment but they don’t have to live with him. I don’t want to do any work. I don’t want to look after my children much. I don’t want to cook. 3son has started wetting the bed again over the last couple of months. I’m coming out of half term more tired and emotional than I went into it. It’s given me no rest and no break.

I’m getting no support. I’m getting no help. I had a visit or two from a youth worker for 2son but there was no response. I did ask if youth worker can come for the other two boys and got stony silence. I need to ask again. I asked for family therapy as I am increasingly worried about the other two and got stony silence. I don’t know what else to ask for that I stand a hope in hell of getting. I tell camhs I’m finding life difficult and get a pat on the head for doing so well.

I didn’t have a summer holiday last year as I didn’t want to book one and then have 2son refuse to leave the house. This year I’m working on a plan B so I can threaten him with spending that holiday time with a relative so we can go away regardless.

It’s half eight in the morning and I’m sitting here in tears. I’ve got the school run to do in a minute. I’ve got work to do. I’ve got shopping to do. I haven’t finished the washing up because I needed to write this. I struggle to give 3son and 4son the attention they need because I haven’t got the energy. I’m seeing their behaviour slowly deteriorate and I feel totally helpless.