This goes back to my last couple of counselling sessions and the fact that I avoid talking about what I’m there to talk about, namely me.
Last Friday I tried to start about me, and nothing else, and to make more eye contact as we’ve both noticed I don’t make eye contact when I’m talking about myself. I think we achieved more and there were certainly several points where I felt close to tears. Crying in counselling is something that I put down last year as wanting to achieve and didn’t make it. I’m very aware that I no longer want to give in to tears, even when I’m home and in a safe place. It used to be a release for me when feeling hopeless and now it represents all that unhappiness and loneliness. That’s why I don’t want to do it anymore.
Setting that aside, I noticed during the week how much I delay doing things by doing others first. I spend too much time pratting about on facebook playing stupid games. I’m entitled to play stupid games certainly, but if I actually did some work first I wouldn’t feel as guilty and would enjoy playing them more, and if I spent less time playing silly games I’d have more time to do other things that I want to do.
I also spend far too much time on twitter. While having friends to chat to, let alone interesting articles to read, is absolutely brilliant and brightens up my day no end, it is incredibly distracting and intrusive. I could of course turn the pop up notifications so it’s less distracting but I could also just turn it off for an hour a day and achieve much more in that hour which would give me time to goof off and chinwag later without the guilt. As someone said on twitter last week,”If you’re having fun wasting time on twitter, you’re not wasting time.”
There are not enough hours in the day for me to do all the things I want to get done. Even if there were, I certainly don’t have enough energy to do them. I don’t think of my day in terms of spoons but maybe I should.
More importantly I need to learn to prioritise me. If I can’t do it naturally then I need to force it. That means putting writing these posts at the top of the list rather than after work and domestic chores have been completed, as well as the other things that I’m doing purely for me. Just sticking possible blog topics on the top of my task list rather than the bottom is a victory.
Working from home is difficult in that I am my own task master/mistress. I’m not sure that anyone else would or could be harsher than I am to myself though. I know what I need to do each week and how much of a chunk I can do before I need a break. I need to learn to manage my time so that I am doing that chunk before having a break rather than continuously distracting myself from doing whatever it is.
I am conflicted by feeling that I don’t work hard enough and don’t put enough hours in during the week and the fact that I don’t get paid to do a 40 hour week (or even 30) so I shouldn’t feel guilty for not doing so. Furthermore I need to be there for my children, which I’m not at the moment. We need to do more stuff together, which has dwindled over the last year with 2son. I need to stop hiding behind him and pretending not to blame him for my imperfections.
I also need to accept that I’m not superwoman or wonderwoman and I can’t bloody do it all. Not every day.