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On Friday, 1sis phones up to ask whether she can take 3son and 4son out on Sunday, to a protest party at Victoria. I say of course you can and thank you.

So we have a bit of a chat on Sunday when I asked her about throwing tantrums as a teenager. I’m not clock watching. So they run out to get the one train an hour as it’s Sunday and she rings me up from stations, “where’s the child ticket on the machine… oh look we’re about to miss the train” I tell her to go for the train but she misses it and then comes back to me so I tell her how to get there on the bus. Off they go, with 5 minutes to get there.

I go for a bath, relax, and don’t quite manage to have a sleep before they come back.

They missed most of it but are quite happy. I’m still shattered and cook them a minimal dinner. With my current inability to sleep, Sunday is the one lie in I get and I try and compound that by going to bed early, 7 or 8pm, not to sleep then but to settle down. I say half a dozen times that I’d like to go to bed but she doesn’t leave. I feel awkward about asking her directly as I did that a few visits ago and she didn’t like me saying “I’m tired. I want to go to bed. Thank you for coming but please go”. I eventually give up and go to bed and she comes and sits with me and talks, but I really struggle to say anything. I have already said that I really appreciate her coming and taking the boys out and that I’m very grateful.

We go back to talking about summer holiday and she thinks that I’ve suggested that she looks after 2son for the fortnight which agitates her as she couldn’t. I know she couldn’t which is why I didn’t suggest it and say that several times. She walks out without saying goodbye to anyone; I go back to bed.

Monday morning I get up early, take my children to breakfast club and go to my GP to get blood results to take to a routine hospital visit. There’s a problem with my blood test and I need to speak to a GP so can’t find out what’s wrong (is it the results, is it the test, don’t know). So I go to the hospital (bus, tube, walk) and get to the pharmacy just as it opens to pick up my prescription that I need for my appointment. “We can’t fill this,” I am told, “it’s over six months old”. “I know it is, my appointments are six monthly and this one got postponed”. “Well you’ll have to go and get another prescription and come back”. At this point I am not in a good mood. I go for my appointment and the receptionist can’t find me on the computer. I am about to explode when he timidly points out that my appointment is next Monday. I say thank you very much, in total agreement and flee the building as I fight the tears.

On the way home (walk, tube, bus) I decide to get on the Wii when I get home and expend some of that anger in exercise as otherwise I won’t be able to settle down to anything anyway. I’ve literally just started when my father rings.

I have that phone call of the previous post. I sit down and start crying and think, no, let’s get back to the Wii. Pick it up and the phone rings again. I consider not answering it but I do. My sister starts “When I come round, I need to feel that my visits are appreciated…” I interrupt, tell her that I’ve just had 20 minutes of my father and can’t cope with her as well and hang up.

Then the tears explode. Luckily my BFF1 is free and she comes round and we go out for lunch and a green stroll in the temporary but much appreciated sunshine.

I go to pick up 4son from school, appreciating that 3son is visiting a friend, get a takeaway and veg out in front of the television for a while and start to calm down. When I get to 4son to collect him, he’s jumped off something too high and has hurt his feet so it takes us half an hour for a five minute walk as he is in pain and I can’t carry him.

I stick him in the bath and foolishly check my email and read my father’s message and flood again. I watched a bit of television in bed and stay awake for hours; I return to what I did as a child which I gave up when I had babies, which is music and earphones. It does help and sometime after 1am I finally sleep fitfully.

My sister phoned me up halfway through this whinge thinking I was upset over hospital appointment and I summarised phone call with my father and she starts to talk through it, but I really can’t cope with it and tell her that I feel let down by all the various social services and by my family as well and hang up. Again.

This is a “dumping” post: no analysis, just a narrative to get it off my chest. I’m now off to big meeting about 2son and I just hope that everybody turns up, for starters.

 

 

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