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Well it’s Thursday. I’ve calmed down a bit.

I had meeting on Tuesday regarding 2son. thera from CAMHS was unable to come but teach did. I felt a bit sorry for her as she was explaining CAMHS’ position which was under severe attack even though she wasn’t.

It was good to hear other people saying “why haven’t you…?” The situation is fraught with complexity. CAMHS can’t put things in place as 2son hasn’t been diagnosed. What happens if he won’t go to ASD assessment or talk to anyone? Home visit has been booked for the end of April, for a “mental health review” as it is laughingly called. We had one of those that lasted 10 minutes a year ago. CAMHS’ definition of mental health issue is clinical depression or above, so anything less than that doesn’t qualify for help or diagnosis. So hopefully by the end of April we will have both mental health ‘review’ and ASD diagnosis and can then make decisions based on that. But if he’s either not severe enough or doesn’t co-operate then there will be no diagnosis and no progress.

It all goes round and round in my head.

Anyway, the nice lady from Education Welfare brought her boss as she had more clout and at this stage more clout is needed. Big boss made two immediate suggestions, while asking lots of questions: that she would come and talk to 2son and explain consequences of him doing nothing, in terms of possible legal action against me and further consequences, in other words to threaten him and also that she would come and take us to the ASD assessment to make sure that he went. We talked about psychological advice, that we had an Educational Psychologist (EP) last year who 2son refused to see but who talked through strategies with me. I need that again, even if it’s by phone once a month it would be better than nothing.

By the end of the meeting I started to cry, which in many ways was good. I also spoke of the fear at the back of my mind that one day I really wouldn’t be able to cope any longer and would have to give up 2son to foster care so that I didn’t bugger up the other two any more than they were already suffering.

So we actually had quite a good, and long meeting and I said lots of things I possibly wouldn’t have said had I not already been quite so stressed out from my father. It was quite cathartic. What exactly will be achieved I do not know but at least I feel that I’m not the only person appalled by the lack of progress.

As to my family, I hung up on my sister on Monday and Tuesday, and left a message in response to her message on Wednesday where I said to just stop trying with my parents as I could do without the heart ache. One last thing I might try, when they come back from their cruise is my BFF1 suggested giving them a ring and talking to them without the emotional undertones that any conversation I have with them has. The other useful suggestion made by BFF2 was to hire a carer for 2son and go on holiday without him. I don’t know how appropriate / easy / expensive it is to pay for that sort of thing, or indeed whether social services would go mental at the suggestion but it’s worth exploring.

I have moved from feeling bereaved to feeling numb. I have taken the week off work as I have tried and failed to do anything constructive in that line. I am feeling the pressure of work piling up and I haven’t check my credit card bill which can’t be put off much longer. All these things are adding up but I have tried to relax and let things go, although that’s mainly because my brain just simply won’t function. Also I’ve had 3son off for 2 days as he hurt his feet and couldn’t walk.

I am feeling all over the place but am trying to go with the flow. Learning how not to worry is not something I’ve achieved yet.