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… and I want my money back! (Meat Loaf, Bat Out of Hell II)

I’m angry at the world. I feel I’ve been short-changed. I want a nice fairy-tale life and if I can’t have that then I just want a decent one.

By a decent one I’d like a reasonable childhood, not asking for it to be perfect, university, a career path, falling in love and finding someone to grow old with along with children and friends along the way. Is that too much to ask for?

Clearly it is as I haven’t had any of those except for the children. The friends bit I’m working on.

I know stamping my feet and saying “it’s not fair” is both childish and pointless. But still I think it. I look at people who seem to have it all and either want to gouge their eyes out or cry in jealousy even though I know that appearances may not be real. This is why soppy films now make me cry because at the end everything falls in place and they walk off into the sunset hand in hand and I’m sitting on the sofa crying because I want it too. They never used to have this effect on me.

One of the things that frustrates me most about counselling is that it takes so long. Not that I mind per se, but I feel that I’ve wasted half my life already and if I want to have a chance of enjoying the rest of it I need to get a move on. I want that time back though. I want all those happy experiences I haven’t had and I want those memories to look back on.

But I can’t.

And that makes me angry. I firmly believe that we only have one life, that there are no do-overs, that we have to make the best of what we have because that’s all there is to it. But I want more. I don’t just want to have more, which is within my grasp, but to have had more, which isn’t.

Maybe what I need to do is to actually grieve for a lost childhood, to actually mourn what I feel I’ve lost. But I also think I’ve been doing plenty of that. I don’t know what the answer to this is. I realise that I’m asking for the moon and that’s not possible, but how to stop wanting it in the first place?

I do resent other people’s happiness. I don’t like acknowledging this because it’s not the person I want to be and I really don’t like feeling it.

This song does not have beautiful lyrics, but it does have lyrics for when you feel that life is really lacking in hope.