Today saw my first counselling session in three weeks so there was a bit of summing up which also served to clarify what I’ve been thinking over the past couple of months.
We’d been talking about the need to say something or confront my father in particular, but both my parents. I have been reluctant as I don’t see that I will get any positive benefit out of this and after having seen my father I just think the gulf between us is so wide that there’s no point in trying to explain something that he’s not going to understand.
Is that running away?
Well maybe, but I’ve been dithering about this and I recognised one other emotion. I’m bored. I’m bored of discussing whether I should or shouldn’t have a go at talking to them and explaining me to them. I’m bored of thinking about whether it would do any good. The truth is I don’t know and won’t until I have a go and I don’t want to find out enough to do it. I don’t see the need as being there.
So let’s return to focusing on me in the here and now. In Halfway Through I started to look at what I need to focus on in terms of changing my mindset with particular respect to Intuitive Eating / HAES. I tried to explain the concept to my counsellor, which I found difficult. I found it difficult because the whole essence of these movements, along with those called well-being, me first or similar, is that I am important and I need to look after myself first and everyone else later. And to do this I need to change the way I think about myself. I need to put myself first in order to be able to accept me as I am without criticism, let alone be able to love me.
And that’s not a concept I’m used to and I find it difficult to think about, let alone talk about to someone else. If I need to go back to talking about my parents, I can and will. If I need to dig deeper into my childhood then I can and will return. I haven’t yet had a good cry in counselling. But let’s try attacking it from a different angle. Let’s try focusing on me, in the now and see what that throws up. I’m being repetitive as I’m still trying to convince myself that I’m worth it.
I’ve tried to start on that this Summer by concentrating on reading HAES, on thinking and writing about each chapter as I go through. That’s a good start. I finally made contact with an HAES group in the UK and will explore the possibilities of getting help. I recognise that I’m going to find it difficult to do on my own and could do with as much support as possible. So being on track to find possible face to face support is a start.
I need to work hard at motivating myself, recognising that I’m going to need lots of practice, support, encouragement and good words from other people. So my plan is to organise those bloggers and tweeters who I follow and set aside time to read what they write, to think about it, to write comments and to write posts that have been provoked by other people’s thoughts. In order to do this properly, I am going to aim to set aside the first hour of the day for this, even when I’m back at school. I need to recognise that I need the time and space for this, that I’m allowed to have it and that it’s worthwhile.
I’ve started adding to the blogrolls here, and creating twitter lists and collating the relevant RSS feeds so that I have no excuse for not reading. A bit of housekeeping is always good for focus.
I’m not suggesting that reading a lot is going to sort me out. But I don’t “love myself” or put “me first” or any of these phrases that I find slightly sickening in their emotive appeal. But I need to learn to do these things and recognise their importance and value. Until I start to accept these statements I have no hope in spending more time nurturing myself. There are lots of things I need to change, big and small, important and trivial. Some of them are relatively easy and others will take years.
So that’s my plan, to focus on the here and now me, not the one I once was or the one I want to be, but the one I am, now, today.
And there’s only one song that can go with this, cliché as it may be by now.