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It fucking hurts. And to be honest the fact that a simple email gets to me so much that I can cry really pisses me off. I want to get to the point when it really no longer affects me. But that’s like saying I don’t want my parents to care or to try.

In spite of having spent some two hours talking about holidays, anything more than a quick day trip into London is too much for my father. This in spite of the fact that he can happily go away for two weeks with my mother without a problem, although they are cutting back on these too. So why why talk about spending a week together and wanting to see more of them? Are my children really that exhausting or is it really too much for them? And as for my mother coming too, well she values her days without my father too much to come with him more than occasionally. I’m glad her peace and quiet is more important than watching her grandchildren grow up.

There’s a temptation to just write back and say that if it’s all too much effort, then why bother. But I have the feeling we might never talk to each other again in that case.

On the one hand the shorter and more routine his visits are the easier they will be to cope with. On the other hand I’d like him, I’d like both of them to think that spending time with their grandchildren and paying them attention is important enough for them to make a few sacrifices. I’d also like it if they did this to see their grandchildren, not out of a need to support me.

If I said any of this to them my father would be hurt and explain that it’s nothing personal, but they are getting old and it’s difficult and I shouldn’t get wound up about these things. Of course they support me but it’s just not practical. He would be totally bewildered that he’d upset me, but without understanding why.

I don’t know where to go with all this. I’m fed up, really fed up that I’m still seeking approval, presence, love, whatever it is, but I don’t really know how to stop. I suppose that I don’t feel that I really matter; that he comes to see us out of a sense of duty and responsibility, not out of love. What it really comes down to is that I don’t feel loved by them, either of them and that is what all this is about. Still.