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Last night I didn’t collapse into bed but instead went to the cinema. I went for a 6.30 showing which meant that I could be tucked up in bed at 9 o’clock. I did contemplate staying for the next film but instead returned home sensibly, was in bed by 9 with lights off before 11. I also didn’t get a takeaway on the way home which I often do at that time. I was too tired to contemplate eating it. So that was a compromise that worked.

I’m feeling more awake now but still struggling to find any enthusiasm for life at the moment. I got the dance mat out yesterday and realised how much fitness I’ve lost since I last used it. I didn’t cook properly the last couple of days as I’m far too tired in the afternoon so this morning I made a bolognese while 2son was having his breakfast.

This is what happens. I start off the term with positive thoughts and enthusiasm and it all just fades away. I don’t even want to write this. I’m cutting back on work and have said so. I don’t feel that I know what I’m doing.

I don’t think there’s any clever answer to this. I just have to keep on pushing, keep on getting them up in the morning and out the door and hoping that one day 2son will find mornings easier. I’m also aware that 3son is still in his honeymoon period at school: it’s all new, exciting and positive but at some point the novelty will wear off and then I expect him to find it harder getting up.

At the moment I really feel that I haven’t the energy to drive anything forward but have to respond to events. I don’t like that as it feels that I’m giving up control to other people rather than making my own way forward. Maybe that’s what I need to do at the moment.

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