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This afternoon I took 3son and 4son to CAMHS for family therapy. As 2son doesn’t come to these sessions, we recorded our conversation so we had a DVD to show 2son. We just filmed ourselves chatting and then played it back.

As we watched it, rather than listening to what we’d said, I just stared at myself and though “you fat cow, how ugly are you? What a tub of lard.”

And I think then, for possibly the first time, I came to realise how little self-worth I really have. I’ve always said that I’ve lacked self confidence, that I didn’t like the way I looked once I started putting on weight. I’m aware of how much I hate seeing photos of myself except for the very occasional one. But I’ve always shied away from truly acknowledging how much self-hate I have.

This is not that I used to like myself, but now I’ve got fatter I don’t any more. It’s more that I never had self-confidence or felt sure of my place, and now I’ve stopped pretending. With that has come weight gain.

I’m in a vicious circle at the moment, where I’ve been steadily putting on weight over the last five years and the more I put on the more unhappy I feel about myself and the more I put on. I can never seem to get to a place where I feel strong enough to put myself first.

This moment combined with what Rosie Molinary (@rosiemolinary) said to me yesterday on twitter:

1st step is deciding you’ve had enough of self-hate then you can start moving towards acceptance (with tools)

And it really hit me, as I watched my flab wobble, that if I hated myself so much, I have got no chance of following Intuitive Eating, HAES, #mefirst or any other of these programmes designed to help me, whether on weight or general happiness.

I understand intellectually about not judging people by their size, or even by how healthy they look. I understand the difference. I recognise the pressure on us all to conform to a rigid image, pressure that starts off at birth and never stops. I read what the amazing Ragen says on Dances with Fat and agree, more or less, with every word.

But I am not worthy.

And until I can truly consider myself deserving of being loved by me, then I’m not going to be happy, I’m not going to accept myself and I’m not going to let anyone else in close. I’m not going to learn to eat in a healthy fashion and I’m not going to enjoy exercise and feeling fitter.

I need to go back into counselling and have made the appropriate phone calls. Rosie has also very kindly put her new book Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance into the post for me. I’ll let you know how it goes.

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