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It seems that a lot has been happening that I just haven’t written about. Mostly I’ve been getting scared.

Before half term I had a long talk with 2son’s therapist. We started off talking about how he’d made great progress that term and that we needed to talk with him about why he’d given up, whether he was feeling pushed or not. I then moved on to some of my own fears.

I’m anxious that despite all that I know about myself, that I’m teaching my children to hide their emotions as well, even though I strive so hard not to.

1son cannot deal with confrontation, to the point that he can’t tell one of his former best friends why he’s fallen out with him because he can’t handle that conversation. He dares not apologise to my sister for his extremely bad behaviour towards her because she does get emotional and start shouting and he doesn’t know how to deal with it.

2son won’t talk about anything that goes through his head. He missed last week’s session as his therapist was ill and I asked him why he wouldn’t go to CATE, whether it was the teachers/children/set up/pressure or anything else that was running through my head. I wasn’t getting cross with him but I was exasperated. He said nothing. He hardly ever says anything about what’s in his head.

3son and 4son for the most part are nice to 2son. Once in a while 3son will blow up and tell 2son he’s useless (with some inappropriate language thrown in) but for the most part they try to be nice. I recently discovered some writing from 3son where he said “[2son] is still fucking useless”. But, like me, they are both worried about expressing their anger towards 2son in case it’s counter productive so they bottle it up.

I’m worried that I cannot sort myself out in time to sort them out and that despite all my best efforts I won’t be able to get there in time.

I explained much of this to 2son’s therapist and asked if CAMHS had any pull with getting me more intensive/stronger therapy than I was getting. No, was more or less the answer but they’d have a think.

I also had my mother visit for not quite 48 hours this week which didn’t help my mood. Don’t think we really said much which considering it’s the first time she’s visited in over 2 years really says it all. She once referred to us not having long chats but didn’t take it further and she was fairly appalled when I asked what my nephew was reading at Oxford where he’s just started. Didn’t anyone tell me, she asked and I pointed out that 2sis doesn’t communicate with me at all, she didn’t and no-one else had bothered. We didn’t have huge amount of time together and my sister (1sis) came visiting with dog which helped.

The other thing that is of course like a ticking time bomb of a deadline is my ever increasing weight.

After my mother’s first hour, she went off to have an afternoon nap and I got out the vodka. I don’t usually drink in the daytime but the pressure and anticipation had got to me. I realised this was foolish so I phoned up the place where I go for counselling and made an appointment for an assessment this week. I also made contact with a lady running group therapy that a friend of mine went to. This is a structured series of 10 sessions, for sufferers of domestic violence. I initially thought this was not really applicable but when you include verbal abuse then I suddenly can tick all the boxes so I’ve signed up for that in January. Plus of course I have my book which is swimming its way here that I mentioned in my previous post.

I need to stop being too scared to open up and learn to get my fears out there otherwise I will never be able to overcome them. I am at a hump at the moment and, as previously said, it’s not just a hump it’s a bloody great mountain or brick wall in front of me. I do feel that if I can just take a tiny step forward the rest will flow.