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Today I go for an assessment to start again with a counsellor. Not surprisingly, I am contemplating what to say, how to describe myself in 50 minutes or less.

The four counsellors I have seen to date have helped me intellectually understand why I am how I am; how my childhood has not just affected the obvious and noticeable, but also how the tendrils have reached out pervading much of my life. I’ve spent the last six months or so trying to break through the barrier that keeps my emotions locked up. I still haven’t felt safe enough in counselling to cry. Last year’s counsellor challenged me continuously, making my counselling difficult and hard but ultimately more worthwhile. I need that to continue.

Where I am at with all this is that although I understand that my parents buried their emotions and stomped on mine until I shut mine away behind a nice big brick wall, I can’t break down that wall. That’s my stumbling block. I am also worried that I’m passing on this to my children; although I find it easy to show my love to them, I do find it very difficult knowing what amount of anger is reasonable to show them. I don’t want them to think I’m infallible (fat chance) but I don’t want them to worry about me either.

The “now” is also that I have a child who has been out of school for the best part of two years now, and despite having made some progress this term he has retreated and become more non-communicative. I’m finding this very hard to cope with and have decided to go back to my GP to request anti-depressants, something I have considered over the years but have refused to acknowledge that I am depressed and also because, with my father’s voice, I see those pills as admitting failure to deal with things myself.

The “now” is also that since I finally became single and started my road to recovery some  7-8 years ago I have been steadily putting on weight and my inability to stop is increasingly worrying. I have been reaching out for support in this, looking for help in following mindful eating, intuitive eating or HAES approach. When I see my GP I am also going to ask to be referred to a dietician although whether I get one who understands anything more than diet sheets is the luck of the draw.

I think that’s 50 minutes or so.

I made the decision about dietician after talking to a few of them on Monday, at HAES UK one day conference. It was great to meet other people, mostly practitioners, interested in promoting HAES. Some of them were not sure whether they were allowed to read this blog. I thought what I wrote in the About page took care of this:

It’s on this anonymous basis that I am so open here and say things I couldn’t really say out loud. It’s not my friends I’m worried about but I really don’t want work colleagues or acquaintances knowing my inner fears. I feel that it’s a bit of a cop out, but I don’t see any other way round it.

If I wanted to keep all this private, I would make the blog private although wouldn’t really see the point of then writing it online. I make this public in order to reach out to people, whether they know me or not, who want to discover the “me” that I still keep locked away.