So according to my GP’s official quick quiz I am severely to moderately depressed.
It was so hard. I did feel like cancelling or saying that I wasn’t that bad really.
I went home and shook. It felt as if I’d crossed a line that I’d never dared imagine crossing.
Then I thought about it.
These moods that have been ever increasing over the last few months where I don’t want to do anything, when I’ve got no energy, no motivation, no desire to move, if these do not form part of depression then what does?
I’m struggling to admit that I’m depressed. I feel that I’ve been fighting this for half of my life and I’ve suddenly given up. Whether it’s been pride or stubbornness I’m finding the thought that I actually am depressed somewhat depressing.
As such I’ve totally slumped this weekend, even left my friends in the pub early on a Saturday night rather than staying till the end. I think it’s about accepting a reality that I have long denied because I didn’t want to accept it. Maybe I should have done it years ago.
I’ve withdrawn from other people gradually over the last few months. I don’t have to do the school run any more so I’m quite often not leaving the house of a day and I don’t see my friends from school at all.
I’m struggling. Struggling to get up, to talk to the children, to cook, to do anything except for slumping in front of the computer. As for trying to persuade 2son to take any sort of little steps well forget it, I really cannot put the effort in.