I lack confidence in myself. That’s down to my parents and my partners but it’s now up to me to gain confidence in myself, in my abilities whether professional, social or other. I’m not proud of who I am and I should be.
Do I like myself? I’m not entirely sure. I suppose I reach out for other people’s happiness and feel envy rather than finding my own. That was all right when I hadn’t my own freedom of choice but I do now and it’s time I both looked for my own happiness and recognised it when I have it, whether it’s fleeting or long lasting.
As to my physical appearance well I’m not at all happy with it. I see fat and plain and find it difficult to accept compliments and I hate, yes hate, looking at photos of myself. It’s one of the things stopping me looking for a partner as why should I think anyone else can consider me attractive if I can’t? However it’s not the only reason.
Why I’ve ballooned in weight over the last five years is harder to answer. For the first time in my life I’m living alone (barring children) and have no one living with me and telling me what to do or criticising me. I am released from an awful lot of pressure and that release seems to have manifested in my eating too freely. Clearly I need to find a new balance that is healthy for me although I’m groping at the means. Maybe it’s just how I’m expressing freedom from rules.
What will a healthy sense of self give me? It will give me freedom to do what I want without thinking I’m not capable and the freedom to stop worrying whether I look like an idiot while I’m doing it. It’s quite simple really.
A healthy life will hopefully give me a longer and better one. I moan that I feel I’ve wasted half my life. Well if I was healthier and more active I could pack more life into the time that remains.
Beautiful You, by Rosie Molinary is available at Amazon (click on the picture) and her website is Rosie Molinary