I wrote this post and then deleted it. Don’t ask me how I could make it unrecoverable but I managed.
“I am plain” – I look at the face in the mirror and I don’t like what I see. I see plain, dull and boring. I remember the years when I could walk tall and proud without hesitation and I miss that feeling, even though I’m fully aware that I’m never going to be 17 again and my body certainly isn’t.
I tend to wear my hair tied back at home as well, to keep it out of the way of 2son’s nits and because it’s practical. But it doesn’t look as nice. I dressed up on Sunday to go out, rather than not bothering or only half dressing up. It felt good and pleasing. I need to do it more often.
What I also need to do when I look at myself in the mirror, however casually, is smile at myself. I can smile at my friends so why can’t I smile at myself.
“I am fat” – well yes, and?
Practical implications of this is that some bits of me chafe or ache more than they should. Some parts of me I haven’t seen for a while. Finding bras that are comfortable but still fit after a couple of months isn’t easy and the bigger the size the higher the price by far, and the less pretty they are. I used to enjoy buying clothes and now I don’t even try. The styles that I want don’t really suit me now.
Do I want to be stick thin? No I certainly don’t; when I see people who are model thinness I feel sorry for them and think they look dreadful. But would I like to lose weight? Of course I would prefer to be a few sizes smaller. Can I accept me for the weight I am? Not at the moment. I recognise the irony that I almost have to stop caring about losing weight having regained confidence in myself before I will lose weight, and then it will be a by-product of life changes rather than a goal in itself. But do I look forward to the time when I stop putting on weight? Too bloody right I do.
Beautiful You, by Rosie Molinary is available at Amazon (click on the picture) and her website is Rosie Molinary