I think I have separated the two. After all, that is what this means. I am not defined by how I look, my hair colour, weight, waist, height, fatness, health or any other physical attribute.
I am me, and I am centred somewhere around the middle of my head in a sort of floating yoga position. That’s me, the personality, the brain, the thought processes, the emotions, the history, the nonsense and the love that’s all mashed up somehow into the person that is me.
I know that but I still don’t feel it. I feel judged by the way I look and by the way I act. A year or two ago I said no rather abruptly to someone asking me out and it took me about three months to stop worrying about whether I’d hurt his feelings. I feel judged even when no-one is saying or doing anything to make me feel that way.
I am trying to be practical about my body, to say that I need to look after it so it can continue to function well. I do not want the way I look to be central to me. I do want to be fitter and I’m still trying to separate those two. I’m hoping to keep those positive thoughts about enjoying exercise ongoing so that I can maintain the exercise rather than just think about it. It shouldn’t and needn’t be about how I look. I want my body to be healthy so it can look after me in my old age rather than the other way round and so it can still take me places rather than be a burden.
I still need to let go of what other people think of me. I have been working on it and I think I find it easier than I used to but I still let people get to me, however unintentional.
Beautiful You, by Rosie Molinary is available at Amazon (click on the picture) and her website is Rosie Molinary