It feels so weird.

I haven’t had the house to myself for a full school day for over two years. It’s quiet, no game noises, no footsteps. I’m alone and undisturbed and it feel weird.

The weekend was bizarre. I took 3son and 4son to see 2son on Saturday. They were interested to see where he was and asked him lots of questions about rules and activities. It became clear that we’d interrupted 2son who had been sitting in the common area reading his book and he kept asking us when we were going. We probably only stayed for half an hour.

The contrast between the silly chit chat between the three of them and the relative peace that we’d interrupted made me wonder about the difficulties of being the older of the three and having to act their age rather than his. He is the youngest in the unit although there is another patient a few months older and will benefit from having some older company. The nurse said he’d been fine, meekly accepting that he had to get dressed before having any breakfast so he’s still being co-operative. The weekend was unstructured so I will visit him today to see how he’s coped with a day of education, therapy and activities.

I still feel somewhat spaced out and not quite with it. Friday was so stressful in terms of wondering how it was all going to happen and how he would cope that I still haven’t properly relaxed. Friends were brilliant over the weekend, full of hugs, comfort, love, support and beer. My parents are slightly freaked out and want a full report, which they’re not going to get.

The future is full of unknowns: how 2son will cope once he’s settled in, progress that he will make, how eventually to get him back into the real world, how his brothers cope, whether I  can improve their behaviour, how long will it all take. I don’t even know how often 2son needs or wants to see me, or his brothers. There is so much to be worked out.

There is also an awful lot of cleaning to be done. We can finally get rid of nits from all of us. There’s a lot of bedding to clean and I can get the furniture clear of fecal smears which 2son has long done in hidden places.

The house does feel so empty though.