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I feel that I’ve regurgitated the last week at therapy today.

We ended with me saying that all this stress, all this worry about doing the right thing or the best thing by the children means that I forget to appreciate how wonderful they are. I went to bed last night to find 4son has secretly bought me a bar of Toblerone, wrapped it up and put it by my bed. How sweet, how thoughtful.

And yet what I spend my time thinking about is him not being happy at school this year, him arguing with 3son and crying. I worry about him being the youngest, as I was, and not having his own voice as he sees 3son arguing with me and thinking that it’s not worth it, just as I did with 2sis.

In the middle of my hour long argument / shouting match with 3son on Sunday he said that I shouldn’t get angry with him as I had brought them all up to stand up for themselves and voice their opinions and that was exactly what he was doing. I was incredibly proud of him for a split second before I went back to being cross with him.

I love having philosophical conversations with 2son about the meaning of life and why people are they way they are and do what they do. When he’s not being an idiot I love talking with him and sometimes even when he is.

I love spending time with 1son, sometimes talking complete nonsense for hours and sometimes talking about anything and everything. I love the fact that I have brought someone up who is more or less an adult who I can like and respect as an individual, not just because he’s my son.

I love all my children, and they each have their moments when they do something magical and my heart melts, equivalent to those baby smiles all those years ago.

But I spend far more time thinking, writing, talking about and dealing with the times when they don’t behave, when they don’t conform, when I have to worry about what is the right thing to do or say to deal with whatever the situation.

It’s much easier to brush away the good and focus on the bad. But that way lies madness…

It’s much better to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative, as the song says