Here we are, another Tuesday morning and I’ve haven’t written what’s been going through my head all week. I’ve thrown several wobblies this week as I’ve really struggled just to get through from one day to the next.
We’re all tired in the last week of school, just waiting for it to be over and done with so we don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn any more. It’s not as if they’re even doing anything intelligent at school either. And then the joy of the summer holidays…
I went to counselling with an agenda for once. We discussed the fact that I avoid talking about me by hiding behind my children, that I hadn’t stopped myself from doing so and she hadn’t said anything either. I wasn’t complaining as such as I genuinely do not know whether I could have found the energy to work on me during the last six months and I certainly felt the need to offload what had been happening over the last week rather than work on the longer term.
The trouble is that we’re coming to the end of our year together, with four sessions left, and I really don’t feel we’ve got anywhere. Maybe I wasn’t capable of it but it feels like time is just slipping away and after three or four months this year when I managed to have fun doing exercise and blogging on an almost daily basis and was also getting better at planning food I have gone back to not doing any of it except for when I really force myself to. That doesn’t make me happy.
I feel as if we’ve only just got to the stage where I finished last year with my counsellor who was far more challenging and made me work harder. This is one of the drawbacks of changing counsellor every year.
I now have to focus on what we can achieve in this last month which needs to be about working out how to feel that I deserve to spend the time working on me and putting me first in a way that allows me to put myself first. This is something that I feel I have no grasp of at all.
I understand intellectually that I deserve to look after myself. I can force myself to do it for a few months but then it all falls apart. I just don’t feel that I am worth it and I have no real idea on what direction to go in to find the strength I need.