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As a child I had so few friends that I probably clung on to the ones I did have in a stultefying way. As an adult I felt too inadequate to want to have to explain myself and my situation to anyone so I struggled alone through failing relationships without having a reliable confidante.

Even now when I not only have good friends, but friends who can cope with listening to me talk about how I feel I am reluctant to burden them. I don’t want to bore them because I’m scared, deep down, of losing them. And so, when life gets tougher, I tend to draw inward and close down. A lot more books get read and a lot fewer late nights. Not all of that is bad.

I find it difficult, not to trust my friends, but to put my confidence into their trust, to pick up the phone and say, “I need a rant.” I still find it difficult to pick up the phone to people, in case they just say “who?” On some level I know that’s ridiculous but I still prefer to text rather than ring so I’m not interrupting (something far more important than talking to me) and so they have time to recognise the name.

Yes, I do know how pathetic that sounds.

Ultimately though it’s not surprising. After all, if I don’t like me very much, how can I expect anyone else to? This also applies to the way I don’t take care of my body in terms of exercise, activity, feeding. If I don’t like me then why should I take care of my shell? It’s as unimportant as I am.

When meeting a stranger, we talk. We find common interests, areas we are both interested in even if we disagree. We spend time together. How do I do that when the stranger is me?

I need to get to know myself. Not the me that I think I am, but the me that is really there.

I’m a O47-C89-E31-A38-N84 Big Five

Let’s have a look at that.

Openness to Experience/Intellect: O47 – “You typically don’t seek out new experiences.” I think I do, but they make me nervous until they’ve stopped being new.

Conscientiousness: C89 – “You are very well-organized, and can be relied upon.” I totally agree.

Extraversion: E31 – “You tend to shy away from social situations.” Again, I think I do, but new situations with new people make me nervous and it takes me a while before I can settle down to enjoy them.

Agreeableness: A38 – “You find it easy to express irritation with others.” No I don’t. I am still learning to complain (in un-British fashion). I tend to make excuses for other people’s behaviour rather than complain.

Neuroticism: N84 – “You are a generally anxious person and tend to worry about things.” Yes, although I would like to be less so.

So, although I agree with two of these, the other three I disagree with. Now this was only a quick survey so it’s not accurate but it shows either that I’m not who I think I am, or that I don’t realise who I am, or that I don’t act how I am.

A similar Jung Typology Test (60 questions)has the following result:

Extravert(1%)  iNtuitive(38%)  iNtuitive  Thinking(1%)  Judging(89%)
  • You have marginal or no preference of Extraversion over Introversion (1%)
  • You have moderate preference of Intuition over Sensing (38%)
  • You have marginal or no preference of Thinking over Feeling (1%)
  • You have strong preference of Judging over Perceiving (89%)

I don’t like that much either.

In these terms I would describe myself as an introvert who is trying to be an extrovert and who can appear to be one. I think I seek out new experiences, although I may be very nervous about them. I’m very conscientious. I do try and understand and empathise with people rather than getting cross with them. I am neurotic but would prefer not to be. Reading more about the difference between Intuition and Sensing I would agree with being slightly more Intuition. I definitely think more than I feel. and I try my damndest never to judge someone. As to Judging v Perceiving, I’ve had to look it up again and am not sure. Judging is the task list, time management sensible part of me and Perceiving is more the going with the flow part of me. If I am more J than P then I am trying to shift it to more P.

So after that what do we know? I’m confused. There are bits of me that I like and bits of me that I’m trying to change. There is definitely a feeling of good/bad characteristics rather than acceptance.

I need to think about this some more.