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“true happiness is a natural state, one that comes about through being emotionally stable”

from http://pocketmindfulness.com/is-mindfulness-happiness/

I think what the previous post really shows is that I am not happy with who I am, that I look at many aspects of my personality and think about how I want to change them, rather than accepting who I am.

I think about “what-ifs” even though I know them to be a dead end. What if I’d had different parents, if we hadn’t moved around so much, if I’d found the courage to say no to my parents more often and from a younger age, what if I’d worked harder at school, gone to a better college, or gone to university instead? What if I hadn’t met my ex-husband or ex-partner? What if I hadn’t had children until later, if I’d taken a gap year and gone travelling round the world? What if I’d had friends as a teenager?

What if I’d had the perfect childhood? Who would I be now?

I don’t know the answer to any of these questions and they are all irrelevant. I am me, in the here and now, with the life I’ve had. That’s it. If I can’t learn to be content with the present and the past then I have no hope to be happy in the future.

I am not emotionally stable. I am on anti-depressants, and have recently increased the dosage. These help me function in a way that I wasn’t previously. I have external forces like work, like my children, especially 2son, who stop me thinking about me. Except that they don’t really. I just use them as an excuse, or choose to prioritise them over me.

I don’t want to wish away the rest of life, or to spend if thinking about the things that could have been, if only other things were different. I want to enjoy it. At the moment I’d settle for being content for the rest of my life. Enjoyment or happiness would be a total bonus.

If I really want a shot at that happiness then I must put other things aside and put me first.