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Well, we’re two weeks into the summer holidays and I’m feeling almost human again.

I’ve caught up on sleep as much as I can and am waking up naturally around 9am. A cup of tea or two, a book, a bit of browsing and I’m ready to face the day and get up and dressed. I try and do and hour or so’s work in the morning but sometimes the boys don’t really let me. We go out, or don’t, and take turns in playing on the computer or Wii. They’ve watched far more television this Summer than I normally allow (“It’s not rubbish, it’s the Olympics”),  and have spent far less time doing things that don’t include a monitor.

Sometimes you have to just go with whatever works.

2son has been up and down, making progress and then taking it back. We have to try and get him out of the house but plan to go places where he’s not going to bump into people he knows and we can’t take anyone else with us. So activities with other friends have to be done when he’s not at home. It’s all a juggling act.

I haven’t time for me yet, although I have done some good summer cleaning. I’ve emptied out kitchen cupboards, cleaned, re-arranged and returned to normal, getting rid of some items along the way. I have finally got decent garden furniture and have even taken the time to sit in my recliner in the garden. That is an achievement. I think I’ve got new sofas for the front room sorted, which is my last major furniture purchase. So I’ve done quite a few of these major domestic jobs that I tend to leave until the summer when I have the time. Maybe now I have done them, or at least have a practical plan, I can turn to me.

We had our last counselling session last week. I talked about needing to offload some of that lovely rational side of me and be more intuitive, to feel my way more. I need to stop worrying about not having a plan, a road map, a set of steps, a direction. I talked about not having a “normal” role model as a child when it came to emotions, something I hadn’t verbalised before.

The road that doesn’t exist gets harder to travel and I get more desperate and determined to follow it. I’ll need to lay down some better rules when I start up counselling again in September. I felt frustrated that we hadn’t achieved more whilst acknowledging that I may not have been capable of it.

I need to think about the journey that I am on and why I find it so difficult to just be, to let go of a plan and just float.