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So here I am. On my own.

I have dropped 3son and 4son off at camp and am travelling back home. All I have to do is drop some DVDs off with 2son to assuage my guilt over leaving him there and I shall be free for six glorious days.

I did get an absolute fright on Friday morning when the ward rang up and said they thought that 2son ought to have weekend leave and that while they understood my situation, they felt that regular visits and routine were best for him. I said no. They said what about alternatives. I said no alternatives and even if there were he doesn’t speak to anyone. What about his big brother. He works weekends. So no alternative? No. She said she’d take it back to the team and hung up. She didn’t ring back so I expect they got the message.

But she still managed to make me feel guilty and that is the only reason that I am dropping these DVDs that 2son asked for off on my way home. In case you’re wondering, he asked for Monty Python films. It is six days out of 365. Six days in the year where I do not have to put my children first. Is it really that much to ask? I explained it all to 2son who said “you need the break more than I do”. Simple. He understands.

I shouldn’t feel the need to ask anyone’s permission. I told them at the meeting I was doing this and no-one said anything very much. To phone me up the day before and say they don’t like it is really quite ridiculous.

Anyway, I shan’t feel quite free until I’ve seen 2son and feel that I have done my duty. Then however I shall have six days of freedom. What am I going to do with them?

I started a mental list and then had to stop myself. No lists. No expectations. Do nothing, read, laze in the garden, eat what I want when I want. Go to the pub without having to phone home or shout at children when I open the front door on my return. Maybe have a day in London, maybe not. No work. I’d quite like to do some more writing and work on a couple of personal projects but who knows. I’d still like to do some sorting out of bits and pieces at home but again, maybe not.

What I need to do is just not worry about anything. To relax, lie back and enjoy. Without an agenda. Without a list.

*******

I popped in to see 2son who had sole control of the Wii (so not much different from being at home really). He was very pleased to get films and let me go off after five minutes. So I’m posting this lying in the garden with a cup of tea and a couple of books by my side in my lazy recliner in the sinking sun.

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