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When I don’t have to get up the next day, I can turn the lights out at half eleven and be fast asleep before midnight. Plenty of sleep.

On Sunday night I was ready for sleep at eleven o’clock. My eyelids felt heavy, my eyes kept closing. I’d gardened for a couple of hours and was ready for a good night’s sleep.

By midnight I was still ready for a good night’s sleep, my eyes were feeling even more tired and I was very frustrated with myself. I don’t know what time I eventually drifted off, but it wasn’t far off one. With the alarm set for half six I really start getting anxious after midnight that I’m not going to get enough sleep, which in itself does not help.

What kept me awake? Thoughts. Thoughts as described in my previous post. I saw them start, develop and grow into a big spider’s web of thoughts before becoming a new thought and starting again. I kept saying stop to myself, at first inside my head and eventually out loud.

I couldn’t stop my thoughts.

I could see them, starting up and escalating. I couldn’t just let them go but I had to think about them, develop the thoughts further and take them to their logical conclusion.

I just couldn’t let go.

What I did as a child, was to plug in my headphones and listen to the radio for an hour or so or sing songs out loud. My father would hear my voice come drifting down to his bedroom after he’d told me to go to sleep. I was able then to let my thoughts just drift to music and let the music carry me away. Plus I had a brilliant local radio station. The other factor is of course that I didn’t need as much sleep then.

I’ve occasionally tried this recently and it doesn’t work for me now. Maybe that’s just because I have expectations and an agenda. Maybe I haven’t given it a proper chance. I haven’t taken the time to try out meditation either which would no doubt help.

I’m fed up with this. I really hate being tired and not being able to go to sleep. I loathe that sluggish feel to the following day when my brain seems to snooze all day long. It frustrates me that it’s not just an hour’s sleep that I’m losing but the whole day that comes after.

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