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It’s Tuesday.

3son woke up this morning with a couple of nasty bites on his lips and refused to go to school. It hurts. I hadn’t the patience to argue with him very much.

2son did not get up yesterday until 1pm and CATE finished for the day at half past one so there wasn’t a lot of action there. I ran up and down the stairs every half hour from 8am to try and get him up. He said he was nervous about CATE. Not about the other students or the teachers or the place or the travel, just the whole thing.

What can we do to help make it easier? Shoulder shrug for an answer. Are you going to go at all this week? Shoulder shrug for an answer.

I phoned up the social worker and explained that 2son hadn’t got up or gone to school at all. She’s got transport in place from today, coming at 8.40am. Fat lot of good that’s going to do. I said what he really needs, or what I really need, is someone to help him with evening and morning routine to help get him into bed. She’s applying for it but it can’t be as quick as transport.

I said I didn’t know how I was going to cope with this for the next few months, that my worst fear was that he would just stay at home and sink back into his old routines of not bothering with anything. The statement might provide something useful to meet his needs but by the time it gets done and resources are allocated we’ll be lucky if it’s this side of Christmas.

I didn’t work properly yesterday, with only half my mind on it and have to go back and do it again properly today. I can’t focus as I’m thinking about him upstairs. I’m feeling depressed, now there’s a surprise. I’m also feeling angry and bloody frustrated.

I’m tempted to start looking up the rules and to try and complain about the Commissioner’s decision but the chances of it leaving me anything but more frustrated is virtually nil.

I’m scared that I’m not going to get through the next few months. I’m more than scared, I’m petrified. I’m also trying desperately hard to not lose sight of looking after me.