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Wow. That’s over a month since my last post. I have thought about it from time to time but just haven’t been able to get my act together.

Where to start?

I’ve felt exhausted but seem to be dealing better with it. I’m grateful that I’m not going to counselling at the moment as that gives me a day back. One way or another it seemed to take up a whole day. I’m surviving without it and not sure I want to go back. I’d like to explore mindfulness properly but again, haven’t quite got there.

One of the huge positives was my annual check up last week. I’m on HRT as I went into early menopause from about 38 years. I said I was permanently exhausted and it is partly a side effect of the Citalopram (anti-depressant). However she said I should have calcium and Vitamin D top ups and has given me added testosterone to take as well. Apparently insufficient Vitamin D can cause low moods and fatigue as well now. So I feel that there’s a huge quantity of pills to swallow in the morning but after just a day or so I was feeling more energetic so we’ll see how that goes.

I’ve changed my working pattern since the beginning of the summer holiday, using a timer to help me focus and concentrate. It also helps tell me that I have done enough and that I can stop without feeling guilty which is far more useful. I’ve started timesheeting the work where I don’t have to monitor the hours and that has really helped show me how much I do. It’s all helped give me the permission to stop earlier in the day without laying on the guilt of work undone.

I am still lethargic and have trouble getting motivated about cooking or taking the children out of the house. They are getting increasingly lazy at the weekend but I don’t want to drag them out against their will especially as they are very active during the week. But I do feel guilty and a bad parent for not having outings.

3son and 4son are still arguing. 3son still thinks he’s absolutely awesome which still makes him very difficult to live with. We have appointment with tutor next week and I’m going to be mean and ask them to be tougher on him. He does homework in five minutes and because he’s bright he gets away with it. They don’t push him because they don’t have to. He’s decided he absolutely hates modern languages because they challenge him and he therefore puts no effort into them whatsoever which means of course that he’s struggling.

4son is in Year 6 which means we had to decide on secondary schools application. After visiting a very small selection he decided that he did want to go to his brother’s school. This does make it simpler but means we will carry on with the 6.30am start for the next 7 years and that early morning start doesn’t feel good at all.

2son is still waiting. He’s been to CATE sporadically but seems to have given up again with a whole week without it. We’ve had the SEN panel, and the professionals had a meeting after it. Nothing has been decided or communicated really. He had therapy sessions with CAMHS over the phone leading up to the SEN panel, but they haven’t arranged any since and I’m fed up of chasing them. They seem to work well when they have an appointment in the diary but otherwise can’t be bothered. So nothing’s really happening and he is slowly but surely deteriorating again.

My father had his fifth operation this week and so far so good but I do wonder how many more he can take at this age. My mother rang me up to let me know and we managed to speak for a whole 3 minutes before hanging up.

I have greatly lacked enthusiasm for life. I find it difficult to do anything that I don’t feel duty bound to do and life feels like an energy-sapping struggle. If it wasn’t for the friends I don’t know how I would carry on.