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It was just before New Year that I first blogged, two years ago. I’ve gone through phases of trying to write every day but now I’m struggling to write every month. I haven’t written that letter to the GP although I do need the support.

So, where am I now?

I haven’t gone back to counselling since my last therapist finished last summer and I’m fine with that. I feel I’ve talked enough and need action.

I can “do” action for a few months. I’ve sustained exercise for up to three months but it always peters out. I need motivation and stamina.

The same applies to food: I need to plan meals and shopping, think more about what I like to eat and spend the time cooking. I can’t find the motivation.

While I agree with the principles of Size Acceptance I look at myself in the mirror and say “fat”. In addition I think “ugly” but don’t say it out loud. I’ve a long way to go.

There are of course a million and one other things I would like to achieve. But these three items are where it starts: looking after my health and believing in me.

I want to practice mindfulness. One of the things that has become clear to me over the last year is how much I’ve used and promoted that rational, organised, logical side of me and tried to bury the emotional, intuitive, instinctive side. I think, and of course I do not know, that mindfulness may provide me with the key to unlocking the other side and working towards an integrated whole. I have read books on the subject, as well as on intuitive eating, but just find it difficult to put into practice.

I spent an evening going through mindfulness apps for my phone (links are to Android apps). Many were dire unsurprisingly. I’ve started using Learn to Meditate from the Meditation Society of Australia which has a series of guided meditation as well as some reading material. I’ve done it twice now, slotting it in between getting boys up. I can’t say anything for sure but I feel positive about it. I find the whole meditation idea silly, ridiculous, I’m not sure what. It hasn’t been a thing I do, which is why I’m resisting, but then that is what I’m trying to change.

I’m also using the Mindfulness Bell, a very simple app that just dings several times a day and you’re supposed to take the opportunity to be mindful then. Again I feel silly, but I’m trying.

And I also got back up on the Wii this morning, for the first time in a couple of months. I had back trouble over the holiday and can feel my lack of fitness which does worry me. While I’m all for the concept of being healthy and fat, at the moment I’m unhealthy and fat and that is a losing situation.

So that’s where I am now. I know where I want to go but have no idea whether I’m capable of finding my way. I’ll keep on trying though, one way or another.

I might even go and write that letter now.

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