I had a day this week when I felt happy enough to consider the possibility of decreasing my dosage of anti-depressants.
I’ve just spent three days sending 3son and 4son off to school, doing an hour’s work and going back to bed until they returned. I’m glad I remembered that happiness was fleeting and not to lower my dosage just yet.
Over the last three months I have made huge personal progress. I have cut out all stupid games on the computer (except for the regular games of Spider on my mobile) and have spent the extra time reading instead, something I enjoy far more. I have started on my daily meditation and although it’s not every day I’ve kept up with it for 9 weeks so far, not bad. I’ve been working, not harder but smarter, and have found time to do more projects that I enjoy and choose to do rather than ones I ought to do. I’ve been eating better for myself although only marginally but every little helps.
I haven’t really been able to get back into doing any exercise and that’s partly because I have to throw 2son off the Xbox in order to get on the Wii and I’ve been reluctant to interrupt him even though he has all day to play. Sometimes he’s helpful and others he just goes to bed when I ask for its use for 20 minutes. I know it’s ridiculous but I don’t like forcing him out the way.
Having realised that, I’ve just written a letter of complaint to all the various authorities that I will let simmer over the weekend. Having given him a draft statement before Christmas that advised a residential placement for him they still haven’t agreed on the funding for that, let alone actually finding a suitable place for him. It’s been six months and nothing has happened. People don’t return phone calls, don’t keep me informed, don’t offer any support for either 2son or myself. Although he’s not difficult at home, the worry piles on until something gives. Hence the three days in bed.
It’s also coming up to the Easter holidays and I’d quite like a break from routine but we’re not going away. We can’t leave 2son and the other two don’t want to go away on a holiday without me as the break isn’t long enough. They’ll hopefully do it in the Summer but that’s a long way away.
I’m also beginning to worry about the next deadline of next January: if funding and schooling isn’t organised before 2son’s 16th birthday, it all gets a lot more complicated. I wasn’t worried about that but I now am. It’s not that far off.
I’m fed up. I’m pissed off. I’m tired. I’m bored of trying to make phone calls to people who don’t respond. I’m tired of trying to be positive. I’d like to not feel that I’m completely on my own.