I had this post thought out in my head a fortnight ago and it’s been fading ever since.
I have long bemoaned missing out on events that I feel I should have enjoyed as a teenager and young adult. I didn’t go to parties, didn’t go to night clubs, never went out with a group of mates and did whatever people do. I’ve never thrown up with a girlfriend beside me holding up my hair. I never chatted up strangers and on those occasions when I got chatted up I never had the confidence in myself to go anywhere with it.
I’ve always felt that I missed out and that even if I wouldn’t want to do these things now, that I wish I had done. I missed out on being young and irresponsible and I missed that and don’t feel that it’s something I can catch up on now.
That makes me sound very much of an old fart.
However, over the past few months a feeling of acceptance has come over me. Acceptance that there is a long list of things I didn’t do and that I don’t mind and don’t want to do them now.
I don’t want to spend an evening eyeing up strangers and wondering whether it’s worth it; I want to spend an evening out having fun with my friends and sod everybody else.
I want to stand on my own two feet and not rely on other people. That stands for a whole lot of things, but it most importantly stands for making myself happy and for not wishing, hoping, waiting, dreaming of Mr Right turning up. Sod him. He’s missed the bus and I can do without him.
I can be happy as a single adult; I can feel fulfilled without a life partner. I may like the idea but if it doesn’t happen then it doesn’t happen and my life isn’t any the less for it.
I can sleep diagonally across my bed without any complaints.
These are all thoughts that I have thought but not felt. I watch friends spending too much time in pubs, spending too much time talking about men they’re chasing or being chased by or not being chased by, I watch friends drinking too much…
AND I NO LONGER WISH I WERE THEM.
If I choose to spend my evening curled up with a book and an early night rather than in a pub talking shit to people I don’t particularly know, then that’s my choice, it’s not because I don’t have any options. If I can walk into a pub without checking out the other drinkers, then that’s liberation from a whole game I’m not interested in.
Maybe I’m finally growing up. About time.