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Sounds good, doesn’t it!

My last couple of meditations have included thoughts around throwing out the negative thoughts and deciding to carry through desired decisions.

I know I’ve been really quiet on here but I have been thinking. (Go me!) I have surprisingly quickly accessed mindfulness CBT through my GP and went to see my new therapist this week. We have eight weeks as she is taking a sabbatical for which she apologised… So we talked through case history, mindfulness and CBT. We also talked about looking at goals for the eight weeks and thinking about all those thoughts that stop me from doing the things I want to do.

As I have previously mentioned I would like to add the following to my daily routine, at least twice a week if not daily:

  • morning guided meditation, via the lovely Meditation Society for Australia. It’s short and fits in between waking up children.
  • evening meditation, via Mindfulness Through Depression. I’d like to do a pre-sleep meditation to help clear my head and help me find my off switch.
  • thinking about what I want to eat and then cooking it. For me. Sod the kids, they can wait. I need to enjoy eating more.
  • exercise, via the Wii. I have a programme which I enjoy doing. Less than half an hour max. So why don’t I do it more?

Most of the time what runs through my head when I consider doing any of these is what 2son refers to as “CBA” factor, the “can’t be arsed”, as opposed to the “sod it” factor which turns up when making decisions.

Why can’t I be arsed? I lack physical energy. I lack mental energy. I also recognise that when I get over the hump and force myself to do something I am reluctant to do that I do enjoy it and do feel energised as a result. So much of it is saying to myself “Yes, I am going to, even if I don’t quite feel like it”. Because I know that I will feel better afterwards.

I know this is difficult and that’s why I’ve asked for help. See the connection there, see the logic?

This is also the week I quit smoking some eight years ago. That required determination, a lot of thought and re-arranging the way I thought about smoking. But I did it. I found an inner core of rock hard determination that I was going to succeed and I did.

I need to find that again.

P.S. I’ve just had a nasty thought. What if I’m scared of success, of actually letting go of all the past and the crap that goes with it and moving on?