Well it seems to have taken me about two weeks to recover from the stress of worrying over 2son’s funding. I have even, at the third attempt, managed to book us a holiday at the end of the month so we will get a decent break this Summer.
I’m finding it impossible to relax during the day or to sleep solidly at night. I had a week or so of nightmares which seem to have stopped at last. There’s nothing like waking up unnecessarily early in the morning and being grateful to really start your day off.
I’m worrying about things other than 2son.
I’m worrying about 3son being incredibly lazy and reluctant to do anything he doesn’t want to; he is thirteen and a teenager.
I’m worrying about not doing enough of the spring cleaning I usually do in the holidays even though we are chucking out a pile of children’s clothes that have been sorted, getting rid of piles of paper that the children have kept and I am sorting out and completely re-arranging our study shelves with all the filing, work and general paraphernalia. So not exactly doing nothing.
I’m worrying that I’m not doing enough work. I have sorted out a list of the three or four things that I really must do this month and other than that I can take time off. I am doing half my normal hours or less. But I can’t relax about it.
I haven’t dragged 3son and 4son to the dentist, the hairdresser or the shoe shop. Uniform is mostly sorted out but not all.
I’m worried about not relaxing enough. Should I be setting the alarm so that I get more done in the morning or should I try and sleep in? Am I spending enough time reading books (to which the answer is definitely no)? Am I spending enough time with my kids, even if we’re not going out?
As I think through all this I start to tremble and I can feel panic welling up. I can sit there worrying about it all and not actually able to do anything because I’m too busy panicking. I note it happening and tell myself to stop but still it all goes round and round in my head. I’m sitting here shaking right now as I type.
I don’t want to up my medication. In fact I can’t without switching, but I will book a doctor’s appointment to discuss. I managed to complete a month’s workout programme for the first time in a long while at the beginning of the holidays and haven’t done any since. Meditation during the holidays has just not been on the agenda. I haven’t been cooking. I don’t really want to add all these to the list of things I’m worried about not doing. But I do.