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It’s amazing, isn’t it. I haven’t posted for a good few months and there is surprisingly quite a lot to tell. And I keep not posting so it gets longer. So here goes, probably in reverse order.

I have managed to complete my four week workout, finishing a week before half term. I’m aiming to to a four week course every half term, thus taking the pressure off doing it at weekends or in the holidays. So that’s a big successful tick.

I have started an Improving Self-Confidence Group Course which is really focused on raising self-esteem. We’re using the “Overcoming Low Self-Esteem” CBT programme by Melanie Fennell. It’s nice to hear other people saying the same things that I’m thinking but we are all at different stages of our journey and I do wonder how useful it’s going to be. On the other hand it’s two minutes walk away and at a convenient time so I am going to stick with it.

Meditation has had to take a rest this half term. I’ve managed the exercise but don’t feel capable of doing both at the moment. But that’s OK, right?

I really can’t be bothered to cook and that is bugging me. Even more so as I’m running out of functioning teeth and can’t really bite into food which means I’m having to be careful about what I eat. I have a trip to the dentist booked to rip out all my remaining upper teeth and have a temporary plate while my jaw recovers after which we’ll no doubt fit a proper denture. I’m down to eleven teeth in total.

I’ve developed high blood pressure over the summer. I’ve been borderline for a few years and we stopped measuring but I went in as I was having breathing problems while exercising and thought I’d get it checked as it was not helping me with energetic exercise. I then spent a couple of weeks wandering into the surgery taking my blood pressure to see if it was an anomalous reading but getting scared by the numbers (I think 179/100 was my high point, no pun intended). I’m currently on medication and will go back next week and review.

I’m feeling totally stressed out by everything. My body seems to be falling to pieces on me which isn’t surprising. I really want a holiday away from the children. I’ve got lots of things I really want to do and can’t find the time/energy/motivation. I thought this year would be easier and more relaxed with 2son happily sorted but no, other stuff just expands to fill the space. 3son in particular is still a mental teenager, argumentative and didactic, driving me nuttier and unfortunately reminding me of my father which really isn’t helping.

It’s now almost the end of half term and a degree of sanity will return tomorrow. But I’m tired. Tired of being a parent, tired of working, tired of trying to sort me and my life out.

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