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I know that I am better than I think I am. I can sit down and write a list of the things I’m good at and make it a long list. I know when I think about it that I’m a decent parent, that I’m quite good at what I do and that I have friends and a social life that I couldn’t have dreamed of years ago.

But I don’t believe it.

I started writing this last week and have just returned after our penultimate group session. We sat and talked about the weird feelings we got from last week’s mutual group feedback and also how wonderful it was. I talked about the gap between heart and mind and there were nods all round. I have this mental image of two spotlights in the dark looking for each other.

We discussed what our revised “bottom line” and “rules for living” may be. We also agreed that the terminology makes us cringe but that it works. So what are our revisions?

I am me.

I don’t need to improve or to be better. I need to enjoy being me and accept that I am quite fantastic really just being me. And yes, Gloria Gaynor does spring to mind.

Believe in me.

I am better than I think I am. Last week’s feedback showed that. I need to learn to accept the evidence that I am so much better than I think and start to believe it.

Sod It

I’m not going to carefully consider all the possible consequences but going to jump in and just do it. If there are negative consequences then I will deal with them.

Think less; feel more.

I need to stop over-analysing and having massive conversations in my head. Enough said.

I accept that this is a long term project

In some ways the last is the most useful to come to terms with. I have felt quite stuck and lost when I finished my analysis thinking that I understand what my issues have been and why but have stuck over knowing how to change in practice. I have felt that my life has been wasted and that I’m in a transition period now and have yet to start living. But I haven’t that time to waste. Life is transition between birth and death and I need to enjoy the now. I can have a life and enjoy it while continuing to develop myself and make lifestyle choices. If I wait to have made them all I’ll be dead first.

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