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I started this blog three years ago in misery:

…a life that seems, other than my children, to have been a complete waste of time. I find it difficult to look forward to the future as I see no reason for it being any better than the past.

I have come a long way since then.

I’m finishing this year on a far more up-beat note. I still have my moments of course and while I would like to consider lowering my daily dosage of anti-depressants that thought also fills me with fear. In any case, it’s not a decision to be made over the Christmas holiday period.

I’ve improved.

Positive Thinker

I have learned to condense my working hours, to work harder when I am, but more importantly to learn to accept that I’ve done enough work for the day and I can goof off and relax, without feeling guilty. That’s a huge achievement for me.

I have made some really good new friends this year including one who immediately fell into the BFF (Best Friends Forever) category. I’ve met the lovely people on my course and I hope I’ll still be speaking to them this time next year.

Speaking of people, I’ve got better at speaking out and I’m more aware that I’m doing so. I’m trying to recognise that I’m quite good at doing some things that I don’t really consider myself capable of doing well.

Currently I have just completed two 20 session workouts over 4 months and I’m feeling physically better for it. The ideal is to complete 20 sessions a month but my target was to do one full cycle every half term and that’s been a reasonable goal to set which I’ve achieved twice and will continue to achieve. I’ve been able to miss sessions without feeling guilty which is important.

Mindfulness, meditation and working on myself now need some thought. I’m doing a five to ten minute meditation most school days but not otherwise and I need to work out in which direction to go. I also need / want to re-read the course work books and really complete the parts I skimmed over. I struggle to be in the right mood to do this. This is probably the most important goal to achieve and the one I find hardest.

I’m still struggling.

I’m struggling to push myself to go out more further abroad than my immediate neighbourhood, whether that’s with my children or alone.

I’m struggling to cope with 3son who appears so much stronger on the outside than I could ever dream of, even though it’s not all real.

I’m dreading the summer period with 2son at home for six weeks. I’m worried about his retreat and how I deal with it.

I’m worried about not paying enough attention to 4son. He’s so good at dealing with life, at not letting things get to him, except for the odd occasions when he completely explodes.

I’m worried about 1son’s plans to go to drama school this year and what will happen if he fails. Other than that concern about his future I’m awestruck by him (and can hear him say “and so you should be”). He was lavish with his presents this year and his present to me was to offer to look after the boys for a weekend of my choice as well as funding my weekend away. He even bought me drinks in the pub. He’s a pleasure to be with.

I want this year to recreate my personal website to include a work portfolio and to present myself better. I only have a few years before benefits that help me function financially start to dwindle away and I need to get better at selling and marketing myself. It’s very difficult to sell myself when I don’t really think that highly of myself but I’m going to try.

I am doing so much better than last year and can only hope that will continue. I have no idea where I will be in five years time but am beginning to look forward to finding out. That’s progress indeed.