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Sometimes, I just flounder through days. Today is one of them.

I spent an hour or so pretending to work, realised I wasn’t actually doing anything so went back to bed for a couple of hours. I didn’t then want to get out of bed afterwards.

We’ve had 2son at home for the Easter holidays and he just returned yesterday. I miss him. Even when we don’t talk much, his absence is notable. We went out for a meal together and talked a lot about life and he kept telling me I sounded like his OT (occupational therapist) which I took to be a good thing. He’s doing well and making progress.

I miss 1son as well. While I was lying in bed I tried ringing and texting him more often than usual as I hadn’t heard from him for a while but no, he’s busy. His father tells me he is still alive, working, sleeping and spending spare time with his girlfriend. I’m very glad that he has a life but would like to talk to him once  every few months.

What is really dragging me down is the feeling of being unfit and bloated. Before I tripped over the evil plant pot, I was actually beginning to feel fitter, and had even got some trousers out I couldn’t wear before and found them comfortable. I was feeling positive about my body for the first time in a very long while.

Now, after 3, 4 weeks of bed rest and a couple more of not walking very far, it’s not surprising that returning to exercise this week has me struggling. And I mean really finding it difficult to complete some of the exercises I breezed through only a couple of months ago. I know I can get there again but right here, right now, it feels so unfair. My trousers aren’t comfortable and my belly seems to have doubled in size.

So I know this is just me transitioning from being ill to being healthy again, and I know it’s not my fault and I’m not to blame, that I shouldn’t feel angry with myself, but I do. I need to accept that my head is all over the place for a bit and that it’s OK, that this too shall pass.

And yes, I do feel better for writing it out. So thanks for reading.

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