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I’ve really had enough at the moment.

I feel that I haven’t caught up with work since December, no matter whether it’s paid or voluntary. I know what I ought to be doing and yet when I get in front of the laptop to do it, I just don’t want to and give up after having done the minimum.

Now this is not about being depressed (I think). I feel that I’ve been managing well since I came of my anti-depressants a few months ago. I just feel under pressure to produce on all sides. And yet I’m awfully busy but without doing anything.

I get up earlier than I want to because I have to. I’m trying to redress that by going back to bed but that’s only a partial solution.

3son and 4sons occasionally miss school because they’re too tired. That’s all my fault of course and it ruins my evenings as they always end up in cross words. One way or another, whatever solutions I try, it rarely goes smoothly.I’ve lost all interest in cooking for the boys who mostly live off pasta and pizza. 3son will eat tons of salad if I make it. I barely manage to cook for myself. So there’s guilt and failure. They’ll live and they’re not bothered. Nor do they have eating issues, other than being incredibly fussy.

I do the minimum amount of household cleaning and chores. Lack of internet last week made me paint this room and reminded me how free I was when I didn’t feel that I ought to be at a desk.

I’m not even reading enough, whether it’s light reading or deeper books that I can get my teeth into. And that’s purely for pleasure

I have got back into exercise since falling over and am getting closer to where I was when I stopped. I’ve got over the initial hump when I just felt so weak and wimpish.

I’m not going out to events that are outside my comfort zone. I’m choosing not to challenge myself and I’m trying to be relaxed about it. I’m going to the theatre more and quite enjoying going on my own.

I have booked two weeks holiday with 3son and 4son next month, taking them out of school which gets me a rap on the knuckles. I really don’t care as I realised that this will be the first time we’ve had 2 weeks away in five whole years. I hope we actually get through it in a positive manner and enjoy it, rather than coming home early as we did last summer. We’ll have wifi and the boys won’t have to share a bedroom so that’s a good start.

I am fed up of arguing with 3son. I try not to bite and to stay calm but he is in full know-all argumentative mode and spends too much time reading conspiracy theories and telling me how marvellous Russia is. He is exhausting. He’s also very bright and energetic. If he put as much thought into studying as he did into everything else then he really could achieve whatever he wants.

PhDComics

I’ve just seen the new Mindfulness Project in London. I’m going to sign up for the course (just waiting to see if BFF1 can join me). I seem to have gone backward in daily practice and need the encouragement. I find doing the body scan (which only takes half an hour) silly and just can’t quite get there. I had found the short meditation brilliant for helping me relax and go to sleep but I’m not doing it with or without the help of the audio.

I need mindfulness. I know I need it. I need to do it.

I’m also going to go back to my GP and talk through medication to see if any of them are causing additional tiredness. At the moment I wake up tired no matter how much sleep I’ve had and I’m fed up of it. Allergies seem to be worse this year and that worries me for the long term.

I am fed up of struggling through the day. I really want to enjoy being alive, but I’m too tired.

So: holiday – GP – mindfulness

 

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