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I gave in to tears for a moment, and pointed out to 3son that sometimes his misery gets to me.

He has found this start to the year really difficult. He’s fine academically. In fact he enjoys all his lessons and teachers. His (new) history teacher phoned me up after the first lesson to tell me what a joy he was. But he’s 14 and insecure. He gets angry at everything. He gets angry about people being stupid on the internet, and there are quite a few of them. He gets angry at the news, at his brothers at me and at generally everything. He’s got no tolerance, very little compassion and can’t let go of all that is wrong with the world.Of course he also gets angry with himself, thinks he has no friends or social skills. He’s difficult and awkward. He says he would like a personality transplant. He has at least had the strength to ask his tutor for help which I think is brilliant. Hence he is seeing a counsellor in school and has said to me, although I haven’t had any corroboration, that the counsellor has suggested he be assessed for autism.

I’m still not sure, despite 2son having a diagnosis of autism and EBD that I actually believe autism is a “thing”, that it isn’t just shortcode for doesn’t actually fit within society’s preferred parameters. 2son needed the label in order to get the support he needs although he has found this term incredibly difficult, having transferred to the sixth form centre with more peers, different home staff and different teachers. It’s all been too much and he has started self harming. In the mildest form possible, but he’s crossed a line.

So I’m struggling with 3son, with 2son rolling around in my head and just not wanting to go through any of this in any shape or form again. Not that I have a choice. And my fourth social worker of the year has left for pastures closer to home so I’m waiting for a new one, and this last one was actually useful.

On a more positive note, the change in HRT started a few months ago seems to have really kicked in and I’m able to get through the days without going back to sleep and with twice, if not triple the activity rate. I’m catching up on stuff I’d given up on months ago.

Driving lessons are going well although they eat into my time. Theory test is booked for next week and although it’s going slowly, without any practice, it’s going forward very well and my instructor is very good. I still have doubts and childhood tendrils of hangups circulating in my head but I think I’m going to enjoy it. I have told very few people though as I want to do it without constant monitoring.

So there’s a lot going on that is good. But at the moment I’m feeling dragged down by 3son, who is in turn feeling dragged down by whatever is going on in his head. I’m sort of waiting for 4son to kick off so I get a full house.

I’m fed up of struggling; I really am. The positive things that do happen just seem overshadowed by the rest of it. The constant tension with 3son, who can start as I open the door on his return from school aren’t helping and all I can really do is wait it out and listen to him when he does want to talk to me rather than at me.

It’s understandable that I put my head in my hands this afternoon and cried and thought woe is me. But I didn’t want to stay that way.

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