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I am so fed up. Fed up with being tired and not having enough sleep. This may sound familiar as it’s certainly not the first time.

3son is determined to never go to bed before midnight and I can’t go to sleep leaving him up as I just worry about him going to be. So I stay up every night until I’m so absolutely shattered that I can’t not sleep before him. The trouble is, if I leave him up on the computer he’ll stay there for a couple of hours, and if he is off he is likely to go for a bath, anything to delay going to bed. He gets up early as well and seems to function on not a lot of sleep. The trouble is I don’t.

I really have lost the will at the moment. I think I am just fed up with the same old routines every day at home and the same old arguments. We’re stuck and we don’t go out as a family any more. It hardly ever happens. I know that’s certainly fairly normal at these ages (12 and 14) but 3son will usually not go out at the weekend at all. If I say anything to him at all, I get the “It’s a wonder I can function at all, the way I feel” kind of attitude. I know he’s finding growing up hard but it’s exhausting trying to talk to him. If he’s not telling me how much he is suffering he is telling me how much the world is suffering and how stupid the people are in it.
He is so full of nervous energy, anger and tension. Thoughts are bouncing round in his head and I am amazed sometimes that he can still function. He’s started writing poetry, which is surprisingly good, although filled with plenty of angst. I’m glad he’s found any sort of outlet for his thoughts which he does post to facebook. Although quite private about many things, he’s amazingly open about his feelings and confusions on Facebook (and other social media).

I’m trying to just wait it out, to talk to him on the rare occasions when he is conversational and to ignore him the other 99% of the time.

I am struggling with everything that isn’t driving lessons. Those I’m surprisingly enjoying. I passed my theory test but couldn’t then get a driving test until January, which is making the number of driving lessons expensive but my confidence is growing. I am looking forward to the freedom of driving away from it all. Now that I’m not totally tense for the two hours I’m enjoying not only the driving, but the small talk we make in between instructions, that’s about nothing very much at all. It’s nice for conversation not to have an agenda.

As to everything else, well I have the joy of my father to lunch on Friday, this time without anyone around to break up trouble.  Every time I try thinking about being nice, friendly and open, and it never happens. I did send him a link to an online blog post which I use as my current CV, detailing all the work I do, paid and voluntary. He was awfully impressed, comparing me to his father, and a tad confused. That should give us something to talk about. I did start off many moons ago trying to explain what I did but none of it made sense to him and I had to start at the beginning again for each conversation so I just slowly gave up.

I met my sister the other week, 2sis who I hadn’t seen for 5 years. We had a very stilted conversation where nothing very much was said and I’m not sure if we’ll do it again. Her husband and daughter came to meet her and that was slightly more comfortable. She did raise my hackles by calling me a part time parent as I did so many other things compared to her full time parenting. Still playing one upmanship. I did protest, but was more mentally swearing at her. She has a husband, three children, a plenitude of money and never has to work. I raise 4 children on my own and am trying to earn a living. Are we really competing? Do we have to? Anyway, it happened; I didn’t kill her. All’s well.

I’m bored with work. One of my clients is expanding to fill up my time and it’s stopped being fun as I just spend most of the time arguing about what we’re doing. Plus a colleague has lost the plot completely so I have to question him on everything and double check as he seems to have lost his marbles. I’m going to have to sort it out but haven’t worked out how and it’s stressful. I got a new client a few months ago which is working out although I’m still discovering what I’m supposed to be doing when as guidance is not clear. I’ll get them trained up.

Reverting to feeling tired is meaning that I’m not going out enough again, preferring to vegetate in front of the television. I’ve been introduced to Supernatural and have caught up on almost 9 seasons in three months, binge watching with pleasure. I too can survive a weekend without going out. I feel stuck in a rut and unable to get out, but what’s new there. Not feeling stuck seems to be a rare occasion that I have to enjoy when it happens.

2son is struggling. He managed 75% attendance the first half term, and since then it’s dropped to 40%. Considering he only missed 2 days last year it’s incredibly worrying. We’ve had a couple of discussions (with staff) about what to do and they are doing their best but unfortunately the changes in situation have been too much for him. He can’t go back to last year as it’s not there any more so he has to adjust. It’s very difficult working out how to mitigate the changes and it’s really distressing to hear how he’s not doing anything that he did last year. He’s just reverted back.

1son and 4son are fine, no news. Having said that, 4son has a job at his local pub on busy days, collecting up glasses. It makes him happy and gets him into the swing of turning up on time and being responsible and they look after him well. It’s only for a few hours every week or so . He’s quietly happy and doing very well at school, possibly not as bright as 3son but he works harder and without the constant moaning. Also he hasn’t developed quite the same sarcastic attitude that pollutes everything 3son does. I don’t know where he gets it from.

Not that I’m comparing of course, they’re all totally different.

I feel better now, for dumping all that. I sometimes wonder whether anyone seriously reads all this drivel, and then I remember it doesn’t matter. I need to write it anyway.

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