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The Christmas spirit is not with me.

This is the least interested I can ever remember being. I’m not interested in presents or putting up the tree or food over the Christmas period.

I’ve bought sweets, chocolate, one book and one fun item of clothing for the boys. And that took some effort. I’m buying any things because they don’t need any. The Lego is sitting there gathering dust. They’re either playing video games or streaming videos so other than buying games online, they don’t want anything. They’re very good at asking for games when they’re on special offer and I have no ideas unless they tell me. So I haven’t bought.

The tree I got on Tuesday. I went with a friend, as I have done these past few years and we have fun, examining all the trees until we get the perfect one. It has to be at least six foot, preferably more, although I was tempted by the two foot tree in a pot. I got the tree home and considered leaving it leaning up against the wall but 4son demanded it go up so we did it. He helped, so it’s up. But it is the first year I haven’t put every single decoration on it. I like it to be full and it is, but it’s not quite full to bursting.

I was sensible and ordered a goose a month or so ago, along with local cheeses to arrive with. That’s the main item and I’m not doing anything else. I normally make brandy butter and have lots of it throughout December with Christmas puddings. Not this time.

I’ve grumped my way through November, complaining every time Christmas gets mentioned or sung about. It’s too early. I’ve just about conceded that it’s OK to talk about Christmas now, that it will be here soon. 4son gleefully tells me how many more sleeps until Christmas and I really don’t care.

I’ve been struggling to get work out of the way so I can try and take the next couple of weeks off and do relatively little and I am getting there. But still, motivation is lacking. Exercise has gone out of the window and I’m looking for excuses to not go out with friends and have fun.

This time last year I was thinking about coming off antidepressants. Now I’m wondering if I need to go back on them. That’s the truth of it. 3son is struggling and while he is struggling with life his constant moaning and complaining is dragging me down. He reminds me of his father, which is a horrible thing to say. Passive aggressive and then some.

Speaking of which, I actually saw his dad the other day. I was having a driving lesson and he crossed the road in front of me. By the time I was sure that it was really him and not just someone similar as it has always been before, he was halfway up the street. I explained to my driving instructor that we’d just stopped for the father of my children whom I hadn’t seen in 10 years and he asked me whether I wanted to turn round and have another attempt at driving him down. The temptation. Bastard.

2son comes home tomorrow. He’s barely attending school, to the extent that they got the doctor to come out and have a look at him. Just in case something was wrong. Which it is, but no pill is going to sort him out. He’s referred him to  CAMHS which is rich as that is where we were several years ago. He’s going to come back in the new year for another look. It seems the school don’t really have much of a clue what to do. They’ve tried bribing him with cake or taxis to go to school and sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn’t, but there is no clear pattern and nothing or no-one that he seems to be deliberately avoiding. He is just opting out. Considering all the progress he made at the school last year, this is freaking me out. I’m glad he’s not at home so it’s not so intense but it’s not as if I’m not worrying about him.

Last night I went out with 1son, for the first time in ages. He is in really good spirits and cheered me up, although he was tired enough to want to go home before me which shouldn’t have surprised me as much as it did. He’s talking about auditioning for drama school again. Possibly this time he won’t miss the entrance deadline and actually go for it. Other than that he’s happy and charming, making some positive life choices which suggest he may be growing up. A little bit.

So yes, there’s lots of shit happening which isn’t helping but good things are there too. Driving is going well and I’m looking forward to my test in a month. I think I’m more looking forward to having passed it than actually taking it but you know what I mean. The driving lessons seem like an oasis of calm in this life. One of my acquaintances, a work colleague, has blossomed into a really good friend this year. Daily phone calls, catching up, talking nonsense, talking sense, taking the piss and laughing. She’s a treasure. At a time when so many of my friends are struggling in the work place or out of it, work is constant and improving in quantity. I don’t have to fear for any of my jobs and that’s a huge relief. I’m still not earning enough to pay tax but that doesn’t bother me. Not having the opportunity for holidays saves a fortune although my first car is going to make up for that.

Will I enjoy Christmas? I have no idea. But if I don’t, then I don’t. I have no one I need to pretend for and no one I’m trying to impress.

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