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Well, here we are. It’s the evening of Christmas Eve and I’m so not feeling Christmas at all. I have resigned myself to just getting through with the minimum of pain and have been vegetating in front of the television this week.

I have been tele-bingeing, watching the first season of Once Upon a Time over the weekend (and currently half way through the second). The last three months have been taken up with Supernatural; all of it. My mind doesn’t want to go anywhere but down and I’m even finding books difficult to concentrate on. The children have all 4 small presents each, which includes chocolate and sweets which are easy. They may well be disappointed but the sales are theirs and I’m perfectly happy to buy stuff for them, just not to think about it in advance.

My eldest just cooked me dinner, possibly for the first time ever. What’s more, he washed up afterwards which was almost more impressive.

However, this weekend, as school finished as Christmas approached, I’ve avoided going out. I took one son to the theatre which was fine but couldn’t go to my local for pre-Christmas cheer and live music. I just want to retreat and that’s what I’ve done. Christmas good will is just not there and I’d rather not be in the same room as people who are being chirpy and happy. I will go to the pub tonight, with 1son to prop me up and we’ll see how it goes.

I understand about taking it easy, about not putting pressure on myself at Christmas and that’s fine. I can do that. The boys don’t really care. Apart from getting presents they’re quite good at entertaining themselves. Too good in fact. We struggle to do anything as a family and that includes all being in the room at the same time. It’s lovely having all 4 sons under the roof at one time, or at least it is for the moment.

But we’ve all retreated. 2son doesn’t talk much, except for about video games. He met with his new social worker this week, mainly because I didn’t tell him she was coming and she seemed perfectly pleasant although was shocked when I told her she was the fifth one this year. Anyway, he’s still struggling and I would have found this easier if he hadn’t done so well last year and given me hope.

3son and I went to see the doctor and we talked through stuff and options and she will do what she can but even she said that provision for teenage mental health was shit. So he’s alternating between being miserable and being sarcastic and I find him impossible to read.

1son and 4son are fine and I’m very grateful for that.

So this week is what it is and I will get through it and before you know it, the holidays will be over and they will be back at school. And I’ll wish I had made better use of the holidays.

I think back to last year when I was so pleased with myself that I almost came off the anti-depressants before Christmas, only to do it a few weeks after.

I will get past this, but right now I just don’t want to.