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"Always Do What You Are Afraid to Do"

zenpencils.com

I don’t mean bored of life in a suicidal sense. I mean bored of the usual stuff that life is made up of: work, domestic routine, children, even the repetitive social events that I enjoy.

I was discussing with my therapist why I feel so tired and find it difficult to function throughout the day. Much as my sleep isn’t perfect it’s not that and it’s more like I use feeling tired as an excuse to stop doing stuff rather than managing to actually take time out.

When I do take time out, I tend to watch films or series rather than go out as that’s far too complicated. I managed it just before half term, going into London and seeing Ai Wei Wei exhibition, slightly out of the blue which I really enjoyed.

Naturally I thought to myself that I must do this more often and naturally I haven’t. So this week’s challenge (or homework, as it feels like) is to find short courses that are just for fun. The City Lit was suggested and it seems a good place to start.

I say just for fun as this is not about getting accreditation or a piece of paper to validate what I’m doing, but to go and learn something purely for the sake of learning, for using my brain which is going nuts without vaguely intelligent conversation and for meeting other people who can articulate thoughts. That’s quite a lot to ask for.

I can feel myself resisting as I type but I need to get out of the routine of the place where I live, the community in which I live and go to other places and do other things. When I moved here I threw myself into community activities in which I’m still involved. While there is lots to do that could take me over, I don’t want to do more. I want to do things just for me, for the sheer joy of it and for the sake of looking after myself.

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