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Seriously, I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.

This week has had good parts and great. None really have been bad but nevertheless I just feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.

I need to have words with 3son and say how his need to protect me by not telling me how bad he is just doesn’t work. But it’s not just that. I’m feeling overwhelmed with the last month. Problems seem relentless and when it is my  turn to speak at my counselling class as to how I am and how the week was I just don’t know what to say. A shoulder shrug, a pffft, a so-so, this is how my week was.

The counselling is pressuring my week as it’s essentially one day off from work. I should be able to manage a 16 hour week in four days but it’s too much. I try to get some work done over the weekend but then it feels like every day is a work day. We’re half way through the course but I wonder how I will cope time wise with the next one. I’m not doing any of the reading as I can’t focus. My brain just flits from one thing to the next so my lazy time is spent scrolling through news and social media or binge watching TV on Netflix.

Something is trying to bubble its way through to the surface and I don’t know what. I’m stressed out over funding for 2son and 3son but that’s not it. I’m tried of making decisions and I’m tired of fighting. I’m not yet depressed but I’m slipping down. I’m too stressed out to enjoy the good moments or for their effects to last beyond their passing.

What is bubbling? I wonder if it’s just that I’m yearning for an imaginary time when life is simple and I don’t have major decisions that have impact. That imaginary place where you can make mistakes but can also get over them, forget about them and move on. That TV reality where people die, get divorced, break up, do really embarrassing things but yet pick themselves up, keep smiling and get on with enjoying the next thing. Maybe I just want to be carefree.

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