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I’m not sure when I worked this out. I think it was at the last family picnic which was June 2014. It’s taken this long for it to simmer through and turn into a thought.

Ex1, father to 1son. Take away the alcohol and he’s still an arse.

That is really liberating to say.

The thing is, I often wondered what would have happened had ex1 not been a drunk, or if he’d decided to stop drinking before we got divorced, when 1son was born or even before that. Would we have made it as a couple. Could we have? I’m not really suggesting for one moment that I think alcohol was the whole of the issue, but it is so big that it is hard to see past it to other difficulties that are there.

I was at that family picnic over two years ago and I was increasingly irritated by his presence, his behaviour and everyone’s reaction to him. And I realised, although I didn’t really realise it with all my being, that there he was, absolutely sober and had been for ten years or more and he was still an arse and I still would have ended up leaving him.

I don’t actually knows what that means for me. I still married him either way. There is the suggestion that alternative paths would have ended up the same way. I suppose the only relief is that thought that we still wouldn’t have lasted, that any “what if” scenario would have played out with the same end result.

Maybe it’s also about my being angry with him rather than with alcohol and this means I’m not blaming what was almost a third party in our marriage. It was his choice and it was his fault.

I still don’t know why this is such an important realisation and will have to ponder it further