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My oh my, what has got into me? That’s the second “I want” statement in a week.

I’ve been here before with the wanting to make changes in my life but not finding the energy or simply not feeling up to it. Maybe it’s different this time, maybe it isn’t. But . let’s go with it.

Carl Rogers talks about the client becoming a more fluid acceptant person. I am static and have been for a number of years. Maybe (again with the maybe) that was a necessary pause while I started to process my childhood and relationships and to decide where I’m going.

If so this pause of some ten years has enabled me to learn to live independently, to function as a single adult, run a household, be a parent, bring up children without any other support, learn to accept an autistic diagnosis for 2son, accept that 3son is not in a best place and may never be. I learned to trust 1son and accept him as a friend, as a fully-fledged adult of whom I am very proud. 4son has grown up from a baby into an incredibly wise young man who possibly needs to learn to loosen up a bit more but is someone whose company I enjoy and whose maturity I can rely on. I’ve gone from volunteering to being self employed with a variety of part time jobs that have kept me entertained but I’m now getting bored of. I’ve learned to say no. The jobs have served their purpose in allowing me to earn while still being around for my children and it’s time that I moved on to something more fulfilling for me on a personal level (and preferably on a financial one).

I quit smoking after nigh on 30 years which is a huge achievement. Other than that my health has suffered. I’ve put on weight constantly since quitting smoking with the occasional pause. I’ve learned to banish diets but haven’t been able to embrace the wisdom of Intuitive Eating or HAES. My self esteem when it comes to my physical appearance is low and the fact that I barely have any teeth left doesn’t help (I have dentures, not holes). I have a real problem in maintaining any sort of physical exercise and the fact that I no longer have to do the school run and can go several days without leaving the house means I am now the weakest and wimpiest I have ever been. I have finally gone to the doctor to demand to be tests to find out what is wrong with my lungs, whether it’s pollution or pollen or what. With that comes the acceptance that I might have to leave London and start again if it does come down to flightpath pollution or general London muck.

I haven’t looked at men. I teetered on the edge of one disastrous something and managed to pull out. That still embarrasses me to the point that I haven’t been able to write about it or talk about it in therapy. I’ve had one healing relationship for a couple of years that served us both well but was ultimately not going anywhere. Since then I haven’t looked and haven’t felt tempted. I’ve never had that instant frisson of lust when the chemistry is right but I also accept that maybe I’ve just closed that down out of fear. I have to start again.

I still struggle to know what it is that I want to do for a living but hope that the counselling course will help me find a way into something even if I do not want to be a counsellor itself. I’m still crap at working out what I do want but at least I’ve worked that out.

I would like to be financially independent and no longer rely on the state for benefits and tax credits. That’s a low bar but money does not excite me, more the things that it permits me to do. Although some of that may still be about rejecting my father’s comfort in financial stability which isn’t an entirely unreasonable goal.

I would like to do something that challenges me, not that is purely intellectual or psychological or even logical, but something of a mix that engrosses me. I am currently finding it challenging to read non fiction. Reading, let alone assimilating thoughts requires a calmness of mind that currently eludes me.

So, I want:-

  • to find a career/job that fulfils me;
  • to become physically fitter;
  • to determine the source of my allergies and breathing problems and how to deal;
  • to gain financial independence;
  • to be open to the idea of a new relationship;
  • to widen my horizons and gain new experiences and friendships;
  • to learn stuff;
  • to look forward and not back;
  • to enjoy the life that I have and to stop worrying about might-have-beens
  • to be done with therapy (although not yet!)

Considering I’m not good at I want, that is quite a list. I currently feel able to push myself and need to maintain that at however low a level it is.

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