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angry

The trouble with Wednesdays is that 3son doesn’t have any formal lessons. He has enrichment in the afternoon which he’s not bothered about and since he’s dropped his fourth A level he has nothing in the morning. So this is the second time this half term (of two weeks) when he has decided he cannot be arsed to get up. He’s done it a few times last half term as well.

This makes me so fucking angry I can’t tell you. I email school to let them know and after that I just try to let it go but I can’t. This behaviour reminds me of his father, which isn’t his fault but it doesn’t help me. I sit here trying to work whilst worrying about what has prompted it this time and seething with anger that he should sleep through all this oblivious and seemingly at peace.

The last week has been a good week until now. I’ve started exercising, although I’ve done my back in as a result. That means I find it difficult staying put for very long so have been a bit more physically active generally. I got a SAD light which I’m getting used to but that does seem to help my mood. I have plans and thoughts going on in my head. I pushed myself again in therapy to say stuff I really don’t want to say to myself in my head in a whisper let alone to anyone else. I was psyching myself up for the next stage in the process with 2son of having polite words with the council. I was catching up on work and had the week well planned out, doing stuff for me before focusing on work in a serious attempt to change priorities. And now this.

I am worried about him. He had a CAMHS appointment that he went to last week but he doesn’t have one this week. I’ve left a message with the therapist to call me back. He is struggling. He’s not being wilfully lazy. He does have problems sleeping but refuses to do anything practical about it. I talk about turning off devices an hour before sleep and he just rejects that as not working although I’m not sure he’s ever tried. The internet shuts off of an evening but he just carries on with or without it. If I stay up and nag him of an evening it winds me up and ruins my evening. Plus I need to go to bed myself and to do so before he does. So I don’t really have any bright ideas on how to solve this one, although I have suggested to school that they withdraw sixth form privileges that he has.

In the meantime though it’s just another pile of crap on my big pile of crap and I don’t want it. I’m angry for him at just dumping it on me as something else to worry about; I’m angry at the world for having to copy with all this shit on my own and I’m angry at myself for not being able to just let it go and get on with my day.

Anyway, I’ve ranted so will have another go.

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