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Yesterday,

I wanted to write but didn’t get around to it. I did however phone one of my closest friends and we moaned together for over an hour. We both vented which was a release but ultimately not satisfying. My life which seems to be inching in a forward direction rather than rolling is absolutely zooming compared to hers. She has no end in sight and it’s ultimately depressing.

I spent fifty minutes waiting for my GP appointment which I’d miraculously managed to book the night before only to be told I should have asked to speak to her on the phone to save me the wait. Another prescription for my trapped nerve which I’m about to go and fill. I thought I was going to go and see the other GP but I clearly have got their names confused. My two favourites have left, leaving a practice of five. One is nice and very part time, one I don’t like at all, one I haven’t met and I can’t remember which is which from the last two.

3son did go to school eventually but this week is not going well for him. 4son is in trouble for poor attendance, mostly because he gets there five minutes late of a morning. this means of course that I’m in trouble over his attendance and was invited to a meeting yesterday. I said I was busy, which I was, having to wait 40 minutes for a nurse to take my blood. The hospital had taken my blood the day before, leaving quite a bruise so I’ve had appointments.

I worked. Useful but trying to manage work in a sensible way that doesn’t cause me more pain is not easy. It means strictly adhering to one hour work followed by a break and minimal mouse use, as well as correct posture generally.

Today,

I’m not feeling it. 3son eventually got up and went to his open university day but I was bored with him by the time he went. We’ve got one tomorrow we have to travel to and I’m wondering whether we’re going to get there before it’s time to turn round and come home again.

I got another nasty letter. What is it about Fridays? This one tells me I have to pay another £30 a week rent due to some change in housing benefit that I haven’t been told about. Do I query it or just keep quiet while they check my entitlement. I have no idea what’s going on and they back dated the letter by a fortnight so technically I’m in arrears already. This is amazingly disconcerting and I can’t even feel comfortably unhappy about this without reminding myself how privileged I am to have a council house in London with an incredibly low rent (not that I could pay it all if I had to) compared to the £1500 or so I would be charged if I were paying a commercial rent.

Still it all sucks as it makes me feel devalued. I don’t earn enough to pay a commercial rent (let alone a mortgage) because I’ve spent the last 25 years being a single parent (even when I wasn’t single, go figure). I’m exhausted; I sleep through the night once every three months; I’m fat and I haven’t reconciled myself with that one way or another; my body is suffering wear and tear and I’m not fit. I haven’t pursued a career because I didn’t have one I wanted to pursue and I wanted to bring up my children properly. I have no financial security; my future is uncertain. I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I’m trying my best to move forward but every minor setback actually knocks me back in a major way.

I’m trying to finish the one last important piece of work I have to do this week and I just can’t be bothered. I was kind to myself last night and gave up on it. Now I just want to get it over and done with but my head is not in the right place.

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