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I was coming to the end of the day’s session when I realised I’d had no thoughts or insights to write down to use for my LJ which probably says more about my level of tiredness than anything else. I did feel more relaxed in the group though.

I’d forgotten to do my homework last week, that’s the sort of week it was. I’d had a busy and fun weekend to the extent that I pretty much crashed on Monday and gave up doing anything. Which meant that I had to cram work into Tuesday as well as therapy which normally needs some extra space round it. I found myself accidentally going through items in my LJ with her, talking about what I’d felt and thought about during the week that I’d already written about.

On Wednesday I visited a school for 2son and got completely thrown. Apparently the rules for funding 19+ have completely changed, overnight, affecting many students who are halfway through their courses, let alone those who aren’t to start until next year. This bombshell rather wiped out any enthusiasm for the location which seemed fine and I was trying to get my head round what this meant. I came home and fired off a couple of emails to people asking them if they knew what was going on.

2son is completely freaked out by the whole idea of change and skipped school a few times. I talked to him about how I was going to make sure he went somewhere that was comparable to where he is and he should really try hard to just trust me and carry on doing his thing. It’s not easy. Talking about it later to 3son, he said that 2son should just decide to get on with his education and get on with it. It’s that simple apparently. If only 3son could apply that to himself.

I am feeling overwhelmed. The time pressure from the course is eating up what freedom there is and the pressure from 2son is sucking up my sanity.

Moving onto more positive aspects though, I’m feeling far more accepting that the course is benefiting my own self-awareness and that I am better at accepting that I have made progress and that I am in a better place than I was. My teenage son occasionally tells me about conversations he has with his peers and it turns out that I’m OK really and better than many other parents. Such valuable praise is not to be overlooked. And it’s really not. Teenage validation makes me preen, inside my head of course.

I’m also off the Gabapentin, after six months or so. I’m not pain free but I feel much more able to cope and now it is just a case of keeping up with the exercises so I stop it from getting worse and from coming back.

My mother irritated me. Which of course is easy to do. She sent me an email on Sunday, knowing that I had been to see 2son and to have discussion with school (so possibly the week before, but whatever). In it she just said “we haven’t heard how the visit with 2son went”.  I thought no, you haven’t. Did you ring up to ask? Did you actually ask in this email or did you just complain. It doesn’t get to me except that it does still irk me, even if it no longer makes me feel unworthy. I still wonder why I have to put up with this shit and the answer is that they’re my parents and the irritation is part of the package and they are not going to change now.

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