It’s been a month of change and I am beginning to think the change is really radical.
The course is forcing me to really think about who I am and how that compares to who I think I am. I’m beginning to really look at the fact that I am not the person I was, but I am also not the person I think I am. I am better than both these people.
I read through the About Me on here and didn’t recognise myself. I wrote it from scratch and decided to resurrect the previous versions I wrote, in 2010 and 2011. Sadly I didn’t update it each year as that would have been interesting. I am not the miserable person I was then. I’m really not.
I’m in a good place with my children and have been for months.
1son is staying in London and doing his A levels. He’s trying to look at change but still doesn’t know what he wants to do while he gets his studying done. However he’s moving forward; he’s a pleasure to be with and he’s searching for his way. 2son has immense problems he needs to overcome but he’s a fantastic person and I love his sense of humour. He will pull through even though he keeps curling up in bed at the thought of having to change schools this year to somewhere unknown. 3son is possibly the most irritating but he is pulling himself through. A year ago he threatened (however vaguely) suicide. He is still really struggling to find his way through and I can’t say I agree with his self-therapy “don’t be such a whiny little bitch” is really a positive or empathic way of dealing with himself but he is muddling through, and moving forward. 4son is struggling a bit. He is on the waiting list for some counselling but in the meanwhile has attended every single day this half term. Let’s hope I haven’t jinxed it with three days to go. Considering he ended up last year with under 80% attendance and school on the verge of reporting him to whoever it is, that’s a major achievement.
So they are all growing up. But it’s more than that. They are a pleasure to be with. Whilst they can talk the most abhorrent nonsense with each other and their friends we can also sit down and have proper conversations at length. As long as I pay attention when they’re in that mood. I have a true sense of them all as individuals finding their way in this complicated and marvellous world and doing it their way. That’s really all I want from them.
Back to me then. This all serves as external validation that I’m a good mother and have done well. They even sometimes tell me that. Do I need to be told? Yes. Will I always need to be told? I’m not sure.
The additional pressure of course time and school searching for 3son has meant that my time has been more constrained and I am less able to just do nothing, even though I still seem to find plenty of time to do that. But I am watching less television, whether films or series, TV or Netflix. That’s good.
I have, after various false starts gone with calm.com as a meditation app. Providing a new guaranteed no repeat ten minute mediation every day as well as various series of meditations, I seem to have found my motivation. The voice is lovely. I have tried quite a few and rejected them but have now managed six days on the trot more than once and it all makes sense.
I have also gone back to the first stage of intuitive eating, as well as having a long conversation with 3son about it the other day, although the idea of him reading a book on the subject is really quite silly. Anyway, I am increasingly abandoning distractions during my meals and just eating in peaceful silence. Along with the meditation it’s a way of finding time for myself and allowing me to think freely and let my mind wander although I am genuinely considering my food as I eat it.
I’m enjoying reading my course books. I am really more than enjoying them. I am stimulated and feel in my element. I am dreading the essays and spent Sunday trying to understand their rules and what I am supposed to be doing. I am definitely going to start my first full one in half term. The skills practice still scares the crap out of me but I am really enjoying the theory and it is provoking big thinks that I never quite find the time to write down but I have the intention.
Work has its ups and downs and its concerns but I’ve stopped letting it bother me. I still haven’t resolved my benefit dispute but I’ve also stopped worrying about that. It will be whatever it is and I will survive. I’m doing most of my physio most of the time and have come off the medication. It’s up to me to keep up the exercises and I shall continue to do them in a slightly haphazard manner. The same goes with my daily walk which sometimes happens and sometimes doesn’t. But my day off for my course and the walk through bits of London to get to my exhibition of the day is helping me feel more alive just by being more active and purposeful and getting out of my comfort zone.
So despite the fact that I occasionally feel that the world is about to come crashing down on me I really have lessened my anxiety considerably. I feel happier. Maybe today is just a good day. Who knows. Maybe the change is more permanent. I think it might be. I hope it is.