Thoughts

Tags

confrontation, decisions, meetings, over-thinking, preparation

I have weighty matters coming up next week: my benefits meeting, for which I want to do some more planning, and, more importantly, 2son’s case goes to panel for a funding decision. I was relieved yesterday when his second school finally telephoned to say they would be offering him a place but only with the return on alternate weekends. It’s not ideal but he might have to live with it.

My thoughts are already spiralling away into the  appeal planning that will no doubt have to go after this meeting, if that is they reach a decision rather than just ask for further information. I can phone up the case officer but I want to plan what I say before I say it otherwise what is the point.

I feel the need to prepare for these types of meetings in an over-detailed type of way. This is my defence mechanism against feeling small and inadequate. If I am armed with the facts and able to present them then I will triumph. It is not my job to have an answer for every question that might be posed. I am not the professional. But winging it with my father tends to reduce me to tears so I learn to over-prepare. It’s one of the reasons I learned to write good letters that set out the facts. I can go over a letter and improve it, keeping any tears or anger out of it. It will reflect the rational rather than the emotional. I find it difficult to advocate for myself and difficult to advocate for 2son because the weight of the importance of decisions about his care is a heavy burden. Plus in his case I always assume the worst, that the wrong decision will be made so I might as well plan for it.

I see these as battles to be won.

Advertisements

The Nub of It

Tags

parents, PTSD, stuck, trauma

So I talked to my therapist about the way my parents are filling up my headspace, with the endless dichotomy between trying to engage with them for no positive result and trying to keep my distance, which makes me feel guilty. All contact makes me angry and although the power is diminished from what it was a few years ago, it’s still there and it’s still too strong.

She suggested, and I was so surprised that I didn’t thank her for her honesty, that this was beyond her and that I should look elsewhere for someone practised in resolution of PTSD. She acknowledged that she had faced a similar difficulty with her parents and not been able to resolve it before their death and wished for better for me.

I spent years at the start of counselling wondering whether I “merited” counselling as I hadn’t had a major trauma and it’s taken me a long to accept that my parents’ ongoing treatment of me constitutes trauma of a different kind. I don’t want to have to start with someone else, even if it’s just for this one piece of work I need to do. But I  need to do the work. So I will have to think about it, look at different types of therapy for this, and think about how I discuss this in a phone call.

In the meantime I suggested to my therapist that if trying to go to the heart of it makes us stuck, then let us revert to the other end and try looking at intuitive eating, which was the reason I chose her in the first place.

Housing Benefits Saga

Tags

anxiety, benefits, housing benefit, parents

My local councillor offered me an appointment next week to talk to a benefits person about my long going dispute and it scared me. Writing letters is one thing; a face to face is another. I need to do it as I need to get it sorted but this feels like putting my life in someone else’s hands and I don’t like doing it. My anxieties rise to the fore: will they listen, will they answer, will they belittle, will they engage. I feel like I’m going with my begging bowl rather than as a capable adult who just wants some explanations.

It’s not just the six years they investigated either. It’s ongoing as children get older and their status changes. I have no means of checking the figures if they don’t provide them and I feel helpless.

Some aspects of this bizarrely remind me of my feelings towards my parents. You think it is one thing, that happened but is lingering and yet it keeps come back to annoy and each time they don’t respond I feel invisible, ignored and aged about ten.

However, I recognise the need to get it out of my head so, unlike with my parents, I will make the appointment and I will try and resolve it so it stops taking up headspace.

 

 

 

Angry Words

Tags

anger, daydream, death, parents, roleplay

After a very peaceful day I have surprised myself by having highly inflamed rant at my parents after they try to stage an “intervention” along with my sisters to ascertain why I’m not as friendly towards them as I should be. I somewhat let rip, telling them how angry they make me and asking what did they do for me, before storming out with a screw you to them. And then I stop daydreaming.

My heart is pounding. Nowhere near as much as if this had really happened but I can feel it. I think about this more and more and don’t really know what to do. If I have words, however calmly, they don’t listen and I get more angry. But the more I don’t say anything the more it angers me anyway.

I debate for a few days over replying to an email from them. How much to say if anything? I put off returning their phone calls and most definitely going to see them. I note when they ring my sisters but not me to pass on news but I don’t look forward to their calls or initiate the call myself.

I have come so far on my journey in the last few years but I don’t know what to do with them. I can’t change how they react; I can only change my attitude but what changes do I make to help me find peace when every contact with them brings me anger. I don’t want to wait until they’re dead for something to shift.

Another Weird Day

Tags

benefits, food, pride, weird

It was a long day. The car passed its MOT on the second go. The creak I’d heard was bits about to collapse but at least I’m now done with worrying about it for a while.

4son has been really good at sending pics and videos of what he’s doing, which is clearly having a blast with his mates so that’s good. I’m really proud of him.

3son did his battle rap which will eventually go online. He did well and I’m proud of him. Two of his friends came with and we sat around for hours waiting for it to happen as the advertised time was clearly bollocks. 3son, 1son and I then went out for celebratory dinner for 1son’s birthday. We ended up going Japanese which proved far too rich/spicy/something for my stomach and it’s the first meal for a long time that I just simply didn’t enjoy.

I am feeling slightly weirded out at the moment. I haven’t quite taken up one of my projects that I need to do now we have time and I’m not feeling pressurised to do anything very much and therefore I’m not doing anything, including the stuff I should be.

I need to sort out benefits (still) but I’m struggling to want to face it. They keep asking me stupid questions about what are my kids doing and I keep saying until results are out I don’t know. It’s a stupid system and it’s beginning to get to me. Being asked questions I cannot answer, let alone show proof for and continually have to nag for information that they won’t release. It is weighing on me.

Beginnings and Endings

Tags

alarm, beginnings, endings

Today was full of emotions really. Both 3son and 4son had their final exams after which the alarm has been turned off for ten weeks or so. As 4son now enters his final two years it feels like the beginning of the end after so many years of schooling.

At the same time, my eldest celebrates a birthday and I reflect that I have been a parent for well over twenty years. It’s big chunk of life and although I will never stop, at least I am done with the school run and I do not expect 4son to have any real problems during his last two years although of course he could surprise me.

3son has during the week gone for another interview for an apprenticeship. No more are in the pipeline as yet and I’m just pleased that he managed to attend his exams for the one A level he had left. He did say they were both really easy which is of course worrying. He has spent more time preparing for his debut battle rap this weekend.

4son has taken his first solo trip tonight, flying away like he’s used to it. I am very aware that I was overly mothering him, offering to hang around the airport until he was through security just in case. Just in case of what I have no idea but he was fine. I am not used to his absence and I was trying to not make him apprehensive about his journey when he clearly wasn’t.

So yes, endings need to happen in order to make space for new beginnings and I am really aware that I am making a new beginning as being more than just a parent, as are my sons in their own way.

The End Has Come

Tags

course, ending, irritation, parents

So, it took a while as one by one we drifted off but we have finished the course. We have submitted our portfolios of work for the Level 3 Certificate in Counselling Skills (person-centred) and we are done.

Well, until our interviews for next year for most of us.

It is sad finishing up but it is a great achievement to finish, considering the attrition rate we had and we did all make friends on faceache.

Most of us went out for a few drinks and then three of us went out for food and we had a jolly evening that was actually quite gentle.

I feel relief that we’re done and that we have our Thursdays back, as well as sadness that we’re done and we have our Thursdays back. But really I overwhelmingly feel proud of us all for finishing, for doing the work, for making friends, for sharing very personal stuff and for entering into the swing of it all.

I was pleased although we were all surprised, to have one last triad considering we didn’t bother last week and took the opportunity after a peer talked about her irritation at her parents to talk about my irritation at mine. They irritate me, but they don’t listen. I may not love them (?) but on some level I still desperately care what they think and have a sliver of hope that one day they’ll pat me on the head and say they’re proud of me. I would like to bin that sliver of hope as it would make life easier.

As my therapist said, my relationship with my parents is not lost in the past of childhood but is still here in the present. The hurt cannot heal while it’s still being generated and I have to learn and to decide how I am to cope with that.

Daily #2

Tags

finishing, holidays, summer, things to do

This evening I am mostly feeling frustration.

My back pain is less so I’m starting to be more mobile. I bent down a few times today (from the knees, not the waist). I emit some sort of scream whenever I get out of a chair.

I can live with all that. But I haven’t done half the things I meant to this week, which did include some digging in the garden which is just for my pleasure (the results, not the digging per se).

This week is a funny week. It feels like the end of term which has yet a month to go but both 3son and 4son finish their exams this week and are officially done with school. I too finish my course this week so it all feels like a finish.

I’ve done most of the urgent stuff I had to do and have found myself looking around for things to do as I don’t really want to get on with the things I should be doing and they’re not urgent enough for urgency to take over. I even found myself looking at some quick short free courses to do over the summer, as if I am not allowed a holiday.

I am starting to push for 2son’s funding, amidst the realisation I should have started earlier. His EHCP is supposed to be updated within four weeks of the annual review and it’s been six months. So letter of complaint has gone in, with pressure on SEN and social worker as well.

I also need to wrap up benefits issue and have started tracks for arranging a face to face appointment. Apparently these people are human. I’ve formally complained twice and got no result so I really need to take the complaints back to CAB and ask what next. Maybe the ombudsman but I’d really like to just get it out of the way.

So I’m a bit all over the place, and starting to moan at boys about tidying up after themselves, a litany that will last all through the summer holidays. I’ve said washing up is on the cards too from next week.

I’ve also realised I could have booked a holiday for myself over next few weeks before 2son returns and will have to contemplate whether I can do that or if it would conflict with pushing his funding, which is more important.

This is #2 in an attempted series of timed ten-minute daily posts.

Ten Minutes

Tags

back pain, helicopter, social worker, ten minutes

I’m going to give it a try. Ten minutes every night, using a timer.

Today I’m in pain. I had a fantastic weekend, four days almost with children and I got so much done. I hoovered, gardened, washed up, washed clothes and towels, swept the floor and more. Not exciting. I also did work, and some computer tidying up which was all necessary. I went out and had fun every day with friends. I also found time to have a bath without interruption.

My downfall was collecting my latest acquisition, a twisted willow or corkscrew willow, from the sorting office as I didn’t think it could last a few more days in the heat without watering. I felt my back complain but didn’t really pay it attention as the tree was small and light but clearly I didn’t carry it properly. Doing hoovering and other such activities added to the pressure and I woke up in pain on Monday.

I did immediately revert to doing my physio and lying on the floor but I haven’t had to sleep on it which only happens when it’s really bad. I’m annoyed with myself as I wanted to do more digging in the garden and even reading is difficult as it’s hard to stay comfortable for more than a short while.

I also today met our new social worker. Oh yes, the last one lasted eight months. I got a phone call out of the blue last week asking whether I knew the previous social worker had left. Nope, not a clue but it explains why she wasn’t returning my emails. This one  had draft copies of documents that we drafted back in November with a couple more questions to complete before getting them finally approved. We will see what happens.  His job title is “Child in need worker” and I don’t know whether he’s a qualified social worker or not. I must ask him or find out.

I am planning on concentrating on 2son next, getting up the nose of anyone I can to get this through.

The helicopter is circulating overhead and has been for ten minutes. This normally means that the police are chasing someone. It’s incredibly loud and distracting.

Th

Endings

Tags

endings

We didn’t have triads this time and I felt miffed. I wanted it. I was ready to carry on from the week before. But we didn’t and we’re finished. If we’d realised that our previous sessions was going to be the last one of the course we might have handled it differently.

We spent half an hour talking about endings and then mucked about checking our portfolio which felt like a bit of a waste of time although we did put it to good using by arranging our first post course meet up in July.

I seemed to feel better about endings than most people, or at least the ones who verbalised their feelings. I sat there considering the amount of endings I’d had over my life and how many of them were through choice. Every house move was an ending as well as a beginning, let alone schools and later jobs. I have learned to say goodbye to people and accept that we will drift apart and may never renew contact. Social media, especially Facebook is bad for this as you can stay in contact without ever having to make an effort so you don’t quite lose people you would otherwise and you keep people ticking over without making the effort to actually see them.

I feel quite accepting of the fact the we move on and let go. I try and be better at keeping up contact with people but I tend to do it with the very few rather than the larger pool of not-very-close-but-quite-nice-friends who I should try and keep up with as some of them may become closer friends. However for me it is enough to keep up with the quality few.

Endings are a two-sided coin. There is a sense of achievement at having completed, with a sense of relief at getting that time back. There is also excitement about moving on to the next stage and the next stage couldn’t happen without the initial ending. There is much low level trepidation about starting all over again with a mostly new bunch. There is absolute recognition that the ending is necessary to enable the new beginning and that it’s all part of progress through life.

So yes, it will be sad to see this year’s course finish but most of us will continue, either with person-centred or integrative diploma and that will give us motivation to catch up.

We said good-bye to one person who will miss the very last session and I really enjoyed having a few drinks afterwards and getting to know her much better. She is someone I struggled with a bit on occasion and was really glad to get closer.

In PD we are having a show and tell for the final two sessions when we talk about something that represents us. I have in mind to quote my son’s poem that references myself. I did consider a whole one but decided I’m not up to it and it might be too long. Other people’s were really interesting. One person talked about a piece of jewellery that belonged to her grandmother and how important it was to have that to represent their relationship and I couldn’t but think of my grandmother with my sister ending up with the house and contents. Also I did have her necklace but suspect that  ex2 nicked it. Another talked about her journal that she has kept for over a dozen years where she writes for ten minutes each and every night and includes tickets and tokens to act as reminders. She flicked through hers and read out extremely short extracts. I didn’t mention this blog although thought about the comparison. I wonder whether writing on a daily basis is something I could do if I were to keep it short and whether I would want to.

So there we were, a part ending, to be finished off this week. A time when also 3son takes his only exams and 4son finished all his GCSE exams which are big endings and bigger beginnings.