A Jumble of Confusion

Tags

essays, learning, reading, stimulation, thinking

I am realising that I am feeling very confused as to what level of notes I should be taking from the course and from the books. My reading has slowed down because I want to give consideration and thought to what is being said and to take notes. But rather than spend time taking notes which permit a time for reflection I tend to just take a snapshot and move on. But I then don’t go back to those snaps and reflect on them. I’m not even organising them properly. Some of my notes are on paper and some electronic and it all feels a bit of a jumble. I’m almost worried that I’m reading too much and writing too little. I have a large pile of books that I have bought, most of which suggest another few books to read. I’ve been using the college library and a few from the local library. I can come back to these books if I want but I am worried about not noting down the useful interesting extracts from each book. I’m also concerned that I’m not absorbing enough material from the books as I quite often read books more than once. And yes, I can hear how ridiculous this all sounds.

It’s as if my head is exploding with excitement from thoughts that I am reading and I’m running around from one thought to another like an excited puppy with no sense. I am excited. This is the first thing for many a year that is really gripping me and it’s as if I’m so unused to feeling stimulated that I don’t know how to do it. Old me says I should organise and categorise my thoughts and papers and that will calm me down. New me says read another book and get excited some more.

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Radical Change

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calm, change, Intuitive Eating, meditation, positive

It’s been a month of change and I am beginning to think the change is really radical.

The course is forcing me to really think about who I am and how that  compares to who I think I am. I’m beginning to really look at the fact that I am not the person I was, but I am also not the person I think I am. I am better than both these people.

I read through the About Me on here and didn’t recognise myself. I wrote it from  scratch and decided to resurrect the previous versions I wrote, in 2010 and 2011. Sadly I didn’t update it each year as that would have been interesting. I am not the miserable person I was then. I’m really not.

I’m in a good place with my children and have been for months.

An Exhausting Week

Tags

Gabapentin, positive, progress, validation

I was coming to the end of the day’s session when I realised I’d had no thoughts or insights to write down to use for my LJ which probably says more about my level of tiredness than anything else. I did feel more relaxed in the group though.

I’d forgotten to do my homework last week, that’s the sort of week it was. I’d had a busy and fun weekend to the extent that I pretty much crashed on Monday and gave up doing anything. Which meant that I had to cram work into Tuesday as well as therapy which normally needs some extra space round it. I found myself accidentally going through items in my LJ with her, talking about what I’d felt and thought about during the week that I’d already written about.

On Wednesday I visited a school for 2son and got completely thrown. Apparently the rules for funding 19+ have completely changed, overnight, affecting many students who are halfway through their courses, let alone those who aren’t to start until next year. This bombshell rather wiped out any enthusiasm for the location which seemed fine and I was trying to get my head round what this meant. I came home and fired off a couple of emails to people asking them if they knew what was going on.

Therapy Needs Patience, As Do I

Tags

bored, insight, kintsugi, no faults, non-directive, patience, personal development

We spent this session discussing the six conditions necessary for the therapeutic process to take place. I’ve quoted them above from Janet Tolan’s excellent book Skills in Person-Centred Counselling and Psychotherapy.

The loud voice screamed in my head and I realised I was bored with this. Not that the subject matter was boring but I knew it. Therapist had said that I might be bored in the intro. I hadn’t really expect to be bored this year.

I’ve read quite a few books. I mostly haven’t been taking great notes or anything but clearly I’ve grasped the fundamentals. I feel I have a good intuitive understanding of the theory and would like to move forward. Maybe I’m wanting the diploma already. Hopefully we will move on but I feel we’re still on the basics and I am bored with the discussion.

It struck me, as I considered my need for patience, that it’s so vital in counselling it’s never mentioned or discussed. How can you listen to someone discuss their problems, or not discuss their problems, and then slowly work towards making changes, without a shitload of patience? It’s not possible. It’s a minimum condition for any therapy, surely. So axiomatic it’s not included?

On Becoming my Potential

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conditions of worth, fully functioning person, locus of evaluation, Maslow, Rogers, self-concept, tangent

Henry Scott Tuke – The Critics

I went to see Queer Art at Tate Britain beforehand and reflected on the horrors of not being able to be yourself, to dress as you please and have sex in whatever manner you please. Some of the comments about the exhibition had been included within, one comment “I like women. I’ve never written that down before or said it out loud but this exhibition helped” and similar. I am trying to become my potential, but there are no laws against it, no social mores that prohibit. I didn’t get the same feeling of struggle as I had with the black art, which is partly because the names are less well known (other than Oscar Wilde no name recognition at all) and partly because the struggle was by its very nature more secretive. But yet it’s the struggle of another minority to find recognition.

I gave a very brief summary of school visit as my check in, felt very vulnerable saying it and then disappointed not to get verbal comments either in or out of the classroom that day.

The entire day felt disjointed, as do my notes and hence my learning journal.

I went slightly off on one, bringing up the content of The Red Queen / The Selfish Gene / The Origins of Virtue, in terms of co-operation and procreation for the future of the species/gene. Man is a social animal for a reason. It was slightly irrelevant but made me wonder if I’m trying to intellectualise all this rather than look at it from the approach of wanting to learn enough to be able to help people. I’m already wondering about degrees.

Everything Relates to Counselling

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labels, search for identity, Soul of a Nation

Black Prince, Wadsworth Jarrell

I didn’t lose sleep in anxious anticipation this week which is progress at least.

I was reminded of my Greek teacher who couldn’t believe I wasn’t Catholic, given that I had an Irish name. Why was it so annoying? I guess because it’s a pigeon hole exercise. Rather than bother to find out who I was, deciding I was Catholic would put me in a box; it acts as a speedy shortcut of applying a label.

I don’t consider myself intolerant but I do consider myself intolerant of other people’s prejudices. I don’t want to talk to people who are bigoted, in any direction and that in itself is prejudice. Also people like E with his neediness, and D who just couldn’t get a grasp on spreadsheets, I have patience with them at first and then, gradually that erodes away until I don’t want to talk to that person any more.

Counselling Course Starts

Tags

fresh starts, judgemental, pauses

First of all a disclaimer: writing a Learning Journal is mandatory for counselling to reflect on the course, on what comes up and our interactions with others. I’m writing these offline, then deleting any references to people on the course and then publishing. I don’t actually think any of them would discover these posts, let alone recognise themselves but it would be in breach of the spirit of the journal.

I am embarking on a year’s course, equivalent to an A level (which sounds less grand), to gain a Certificate in Counselling.

I hadn’t realised how anxious I was feeling about starting this course until it came to Monday night and I didn’t sleep. I still didn’t really realise until I had no sleep on Tuesday night either at which point I realised I was going back twenty years in time, to feeling so nervous I couldn’t sleep for several days before a big change.

I didn’t really feel that nervous on the day but was surprised that we weren’t getting one of the tutors we had met before. I can be very patient outwardly whilst seething inside to get a move on. It seems an interesting bunch of ages and life stages and origins, with some yet to come.

Some of us opted for different triads each week but were outvoted by those who wanted a few weeks consistency. I suppose I felt that having different people each week, with that randomness is more challenging as you have to start afresh each time but the consistency may well allow people to go deeper. It’s a short time to get beyond the superficial but then it’s not about receiving proper counselling.

Getting Help About Benefits

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advice, asking for help, benefits, CAB, support

Citizens Advice say their phone lines open at 10am. No they don’t. They give you a long message before admitting that no assessors are available to answer your call although some specialists are. I eventually got through at something like 11:30am only to be told that they cannot refer me to my local CAB directly. There is a drop in today, between 10-1pm. So I pick up my folder and venture down only to find the above sign. People are allowed to be ill but I’m not feeling that great either.

There’s another drop in session tomorrow at a different office at the same time as my therapy appointment. Good thing I can change the latter but I do actually need it.

Benefits Bonanza Day

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2son, £25000, benefits, council, disaster, housing benefit, overpayment, support

I telephoned the CAB on Thursday. I asked whether I should appeal on the basis that I didn’t know what was going on and wasn’t getting any information or whether I should keep pursuing getting a statement of reasons. They said they would refer me to a specialist which would call back within 48 hours. I realised this might mean Monday morning and tried to set it aside.

I tried to take charge of something and applied for child benefit for 2son as the CAB had advised me to do, saying if I got it for the next few months that I’m entitled to, then I can appeal to have it backdated based on incorrect advice given. As it turned out, I’m glad I got that moving.

I emphasis the “tried”. People ask me how I am and in my head I’m answering that everything is actually really positive except for this massive disaster that’s looming over me. How much of that answer I actually give depends on who they are. Even then the reply tends to be me “oh that’s awful” before moving onto something else. People who don’t get benefits, who haven’t had to rely on the state simply do not realise how terrifying these things are.

Shame and Inadequacy

Tags

Angels in America, defensive, high praise, parenting, shame

I was watching Angels in America last night. In it is the portrayal of an orthodox Mormon, one who still wears his special underwear, who finally admits he is gay after his marriage crashes around him.

​​He is full of shame, having spent years fighting these “sinful” tendencies and feelings and the actor (an impressive Russell Tovey) shows, vividly and compassionately, a man who has strong moral objections about who he is and who is discovering that he is going to have to reconcile these two extremes.

I sat there at one point thinking well this is who you are. You are just going to have to accept who you are and get on with it, and you will eventually be happier for it when I realised the irony in this.